retreat is like being a pupa

I was thinking going into retreat is like the pupa stage in the life cycle of the butterfly...figuratively speaking.
All that change going on inside a secure sealed case and hidden from speculative view. I like that!
So with the emerging, there is a sense of fragility and wetness; watery jelly like emotions slowly solidifying into their new state of being. Rather exciting and sometimes scary.

I was thinking, the surprise on the emerging, is the discovery that the caterpillar's protective instinct has created new circumstances and new opportunties on the outside surrounding the pupa; with the readiness to support the emerging. How great is that!

Last night I dreamt I had moved to New York with an exciting new job sharing with friends. A nice introduction to the future when emerging from a retreat. And I have a sense of time being back in proportation to the ticking of the clock, and in harmony with the movement of the day. I am always surprised how much the preception of time alters during a retreat. Such fast progression each day of the hours and the weeks, and yet so slow over every minute.

My challenge of my retreats is the fallout from the prickles, which remind me of my hippy era when we talked about warm fuzzies and cold pricklies. Retreat sure does send out a heap of cold pricklies to ensure there is a change. Change being a necessary part of growth and development, which insists that relationships support the continued growth of this new state of being. I suppose the challenge I face and one I have spent much time investigating, is how personal growth and development are negiotated in relationships. I believe this is a tough act that requires stomach gripping courage, with much self honesty, and openness, to talk about the fear, pain and anger in a situation, without the blame and the accusation.  Upon emerging, I realise the relationships that survived the regrowth have this understanding of negiotation built into their foundations. What a gift is that! And I love the pleasure of sharing with the sense of equality. This is the life blood of my new everyday.

have hit rock bottom and finally on my way back up...dam that took a whole month!!!!

sitting under a big tree listening

it appears when retreat is necessary, I retreat, and totally cut myself off from everyone and everything. Seems this retreat hit with full force, October usually being the time it happens. The University Papers had finished and so many other things had ended, which require thinking about.  But the strength and extent of this retreat was unexpected. As I am still in the midst of all this, I find myself not talking and not wanting to talk.

I will come out, when I am ready.

time to say goodbye and venture out...

Goodbye blog, that was quite an adventure.

so much to do and so little to say....

University papers are finished for the year and now after a mental blob, it's time to get all the things done that have been left to rest awhile.

On fine days

1. make a vege garden
2. sink the posts for the front fence
3. bolt on the cross beams on front fence
4. paint front fence green
5. staple on the netting on front fence

On wet days

1. research and apply for scholarships
2. empty out the filing cabinet of old papers
3. have a jolly good burn up of old papers

That will do for today...

...reading between the lines...

I have been thinking about my relationships lately, because it is October. October is Spring and time for new growth. With October and six yearly cycles being significant relationship reassessment times in my life.

So... What have I learnt? I have learnt that:

1. Love is visible, when the partners are able to read between each others spoken lines, to hear what is not being said, in the process of negotiating to understand the other's personal meanings.
2. It is only from a position of mutual caring, that each is able to support the other's vulnerability.
3. That to let go of the fear of losing personal power in the relationship, makes a significant relationship with strong foundations,
4. That trust is built when each has the best interests of the other, and the relationship at heart.
5. To take the time to listen and hear with ones' inner ear to what the other is saying, is an act of love.
6. To understand that anger is a defense when feeling vulnerable.
7. To want to understand what the anger is defending is respectful of self and the other.
8. To share that respect and understanding enables the relationship to grow.
9. To know that the above points make a significant relationship meaningful.
10. Most of all; that a meaningful relationship is a commitment to understand the meaning of love, with a commitment to work at that understanding.

And I was thinking this morning, how each piece of this learning required a relooking back into past with understanding, to gain new knowledge, it is only then that these Aha moments can happen.

All so easy to think about, but quite another to live with!!!

October and time of rapid change...

Today is Monday. Monday is usually my day off to mentally rest and give myself some time to indulge in random thought. I always find the results so interesting and food for the rest of the week.

But...it's holidays and with children around mental time out is not an option. Also I have two major assignments I am finishing. The last two assignments of my papers for this year. The last assignments are always the hardest. The temptation to leap into my next project, which is the garden with spring very much in evidence, I wang to get my hands dirty. Not such luck, also it's raining so just looking out the window at the grass and rapid green growth requires thoughtful restraint at present.

I've got so many projects on the go, the picture book, these two papers and the prospect of next year as an internal student for the teacher's training. That's not even looking at the home front. The house is is such a need of a spring clean, it's a tad scary. Also the stove is now down to one good element. The other three heat from zero to ultra high in a split second. Sigh.

This is the maintance side of things that need to be taken care of. I am frustrated by my partly finished courtyard too, growing an indecent amount of weeds and rapidly disappearing as a good intention. Still as I think about these things I know as my papers are finished and the weather clears up, I will be out there finding the bricks to lay and the paint to finish the walls. I have been considering the waterfall I want in there all winter and have just about formuated a plan.

My youngest son has just bought his first car and I now feel like I can go out again any time I like in my car, especially on friday nights because he used to disappear with it to his social events.

Oh well time to get back to the assignments and get the little suckers finished, so I can get my hands good and dirty.

One last thing. I had a coffee, a very delicious coffee with a very old friend on sunday, what a pleasure to catch up after all these years. It's been 30 years, surprising how much I found we hadn't changed as our fundamental selves. I think the only change is experience and lives lived.

I have an inkling I am on the verge of my next big adventure.....I wonder what it will be?!

Maybe it will be my next blogging journey!

Toodles for now.