Journey through my mind

June 2011.. hello my blog..long time out of touch!!

2011-06-15T16:20:00.000+12:00

It's been forever since I was on here, and so much has happened.

Deciding to fully commit to the artist in me has been wonderful and scary as well.

Deciding that the saying Health, Wealth, and Happiness was a life choice was another. So I've been getting active and by crikey that takes time.

My quirky greeting cards are taking off; which means doing what one loves is a truly valid statement.

And I painted my first portrait in acrylics for real...and how much fun was that!!! Time to post some pics of all this, which means digging out the batteries and charging them up... the camera, poor thing has got cobwebs from lack of use!!!

coming to!

2010-10-04T08:35:00.000+13:00

Wow, I am finally coming up from a severe bout of the flu. I realise I have never had flu before and I don't like it. It's like a cold that doesn't go away and just keeps getting worse. Nasty. Now a month later and still with blocked ears, a crampy sinus and a with sore throat I am trying to get my head straight to get back into working on art again.

The accountant's tax stuff is due and it's school holidays and Our Tuesday Nighter's Exhibition is coming up fast. I have been gathering pics and artist's statements for each member of our group. What fun that's been and a complete diversion from art making.

And finally I have covered the outside fences, this last weekend, with the bamboo I've always wanted too. Now the garden is looking inwards and the freezing easterly is tamed. My son's friends noticed we have a fish pond, they'd never seen it before. I can finally get the climbers to climb the fence rather than being blown off. I'm enjoying how the bamboo is see through, so I still have the view while being a visual barrier from the outside and wind proofing for the plants.

I've had no energy to do house work or get all the other outside work I wanted to do, which has been really depressing. Now I know what this feels like I find myself far more sympathetic with those who have the flu...it's disgusting!!!

So I've cut the coffee in favour of green tea and sleeping much better..funny how difficult it is to just relax and let go and be sick to give myself the chance to recover. Also having some sun and warmth is helping.

I will do the accounts...I changed my accountant..the last one scared me...the new one is a lot friendlier and much more helpful...I'm actually looking forward to the spreadsheets.
And I will go out into my studio to brush away the cobwebs and frame up the last lot of artwork ready for our exhibition.

Being sick had me thinking alot about the idea of moving house . We've been here for 10 years now and with children growing older and our needs as a family changing, our house needs to fulfil other functions. So I have been looking about to see what is out there.....hmmmmm.......has really helps me to focus on what we want in our daily living; privacy, space and a sociable house. That sounds slightly at odds, but has given me much pause for thought.

Nice to be back here again after so long....

the veg patch...

2010-08-24T08:16:00.001+12:00

after

The rain has started to decrease in frequency and the days are warming up, and I am outside.

My avocado tree, a pip that grew in the compost heap has gone and the trunk that is left has become a table. (I am planning a seating area here.)

Because spring is around the corner I have been cleaning up the area round the clothes line and studio, and started landscaping my new veg patch, there will be about 3 or 4 more boxes in the area. I've painted the fence, cleaned up all the avocado choppings and removed the old guinea pig cage.

before

All this work because I want to have a large structured area for growing vegs, last year's was too shaded and damp, and I want an interesting walk to the studio, especially as the public will be walking around there. As the photo of before and after show there has been quite a change.

Now I can see progress, I am planning the planting. I love the farmers market for seedlings. They are so healthy and there is a huge variety. I want to plant carrots this year, potatoes and onions, as well as the usual lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchinis, and I will have heaps of herbs too. The strawberries will be transplanted as well, so we have two lots on the go, as they do so well in this soil.

surprising challenges...

2010-08-11T10:32:00.004+12:00

I have been collecting enlightening quotes enjoying the ideas they hold.

Here are two examples:

Unless I do something beyond what I already know, I will not grow. And

What does a fish know about the water it swims in all it's life. --Albert Einstein--

I am challenged as to what to call myself and my artwork publically. All artists I know call themselves by their own names, and as strange as it seems I have not been able to do this. I have surrounded my work in a meaning that has given me a cocoon to work within. I have called my studio --Vivante Studio, meaning --living studio--. Now as I move into really commiting myself to the idea that I am actually an artist, and knowing this is meaningful work for me, I find the name Vivante Studio is no longer works for me as an artist with a public image. Why I find it so hard to use my name confounds me. I suspect it has something to do with always wanting to change my name. Somewhere I haven't felt like my name is me. My indian name was Raspal Kaur, I still quite like this. My given name is Anne Michelle and somewhere I am still not comfortable with this name. Years ago I was going to change my name by deed poll to Rebecca Anne May, but at the last minute the song, Michelle ma well..bad spelling.. the french song was going around my head, and just after I stopped the name change I meet my Indian husband who really liked and called me Michelle.

So back to what to call myself as the artist. Even here I don't want to write out my full name.

Having just taken time out to make a coffee, watch the men out on the road digging up the waterpipes, and read the Village mail, I have come back to why this question came up in the first place.

I belong to a local art group Keiranga Artists, and we are the Tuesday Nighters, and we have all just been through the process of submitting artwork for our major midyear exhibition. Our selector, Jan Varssen, is a very well known and respected gallery owner and art consultant. I submitted 3 pieces of work and after much non selection in the past, 2 pieces of the three were selected.

I had decided to really work on creating a professional presentation of my work to meet cross the space between artist and public. I wanted a clean crisp formate that highlighted the intense colours I use. Well after having 2 pieces of my work selected, I am so delighted and feel a significant step has been made in my professionalism. Now the question comes up again about selling artwork from my studio and having my name on my gate. I want to build my name for my work and have those who like my work able to recognise it.

I have just taken another break, talked to a artist friend who is having the same kind of thoughts. I realise having changed my name so frequently over the years, it is hardly surprising my work is unknown.

So I will start owning my name and create a solid path to journey on.
Anne Michelle Johal -- Artist.

noticing the changes in my life, as the artist becomes more real...

2010-08-03T08:55:00.010+12:00

Looking back, I remember I was going to write about this process of being committed to artmaking....well yes... I discovered in my commitmment to artmaking, I am working in my studio making art and writing about it a whole lot less. I'm also enjoying the real life company of other artists in our large studio environment and spending less time in the ether of virtual reality.

As I do this, my artwork is starting to form a direction and develop a cohesion, which is fun and is becoming emotionally much more satifying and sustaining. Mind and body becoming more one.

Now I want develop a more marketing approach to being online. This has been a very hard decision, as I discovered I'm not very pushy about selling or promoting my artwork unless others are interested in what I am doing, and ask about it.

I also find myself becoming more private as my artwork goes more public, weird to think about this...kind of not wanting to explain or describe the work anymore but letting it stand on it's own. Actually I like this direction, more real and less imagined. So I would say that on the whole, as I step from my imagined life to my real life, I have discovered tremendous pleasure in the doing of my artwork and the seeing of real results.

I am stepping from my imagined life....wow now that was a thought!!!!

I took four steps over the last few days...

1. I paddocked, and put onto the gate to my inner courtyard garden area the words in white paint... "PRIVATE: Front door on drive way"... I want to have my private space inaccessible to public access, pesky neighbours or random bible bashers. I will be covering the fences too, probably with bamboo. This will stop the Easterly bone chilling wind as well.

2. I had the neighbour cut down the avocado tree, which was taking up light, space and the useable garden around my studio. Also as there was no sign of fruit after far too many years, with far too many leaves and falling branches. The roots were lifting the concrete wall too, time to build better neigbour relations. It had to come down. I will paint the fence dark green, plant a climbing thing or something, and build veg gardens, also a paved area around the clothesline...just too much rain and mud this winter!

3. I decided my life is just fine the way it is and I have stopped feeling guilty about the life I thought my kids should have. Life is lived on a budget and I am the independant parent, that is just the way it is! So I will be a stricter, more demanding of respect independant parent. Wow... the results are already visible, after a trail run over the last few days. I will not feel guilty or be made to feel guilty for the decisions I make on my own as I set limits on behaviour. I am their parent not their best friend. There is only one of me, and I am to be respected. There is nothing so powerful as a kid being taught to be responsible as they own their own decisions with the consequences, while not getting caught up in the "you are to blame Mum". I am learning to let go as I hold onto my self respect to enable them to grow up.

4. I have started sharing activities with someone with whom I have common interests and personal philosophies in common. I decided I wanted friendship and trust building with a man again. An interesting adventure and a new experience for me, and so low key I am surprised how easy and uncomplicated this is.

...now life is good, decided more real and so much more satisfying.

...new painting...

2010-07-23T09:29:00.003+12:00

I have finished another painting and starting to get a sense of direction for my subject matter, and with the understanding of the materials becoming so much clearer, it is nice to have a sense of the artwork coming together. Also doing the artwork each day is keeping my focus centred.

A M Johal, Were our hearts not beating as one. ©2010. Oil sticks, pen and ink on canvas. 150x150mm.

studying Impressionist painting methods...

2010-07-19T09:51:00.001+12:00

yes yes yes the school holidays are over, my son has started his first day at Polytech and daughter back to school. Now I am mentally free to get work done, whereas in the holidays my first priority has been my children.

I have been studying Impressionist painting of landscapes, finding joy in the language and now I want to experiment with their principles of light and colour with oil paint. Seeing this book at Humanities bookshop, was like an unscheduled meeting, somewhere knowing it is love at first sight, always at just the right time. Now I have been deep inside the pages underlining and emphasising as I drink up the theory and think about and study light and colour layering processes. I have always had a love for pure colour and hated grey. I find it so interesting looking back over my life and see the parts that hint of the pathway, like working at Resene where my favorite job was shelving the new testpots and peaking inside each one, digesting the variety of colours. I did so love the pure colour on the colour charts.

I was told once if I wanted to learn how to do paint in new ways to read the books and do the exercises. Boy did that sound hard!!! I hated the person who said it to me, so annoyed because I wanted to be in a class to learn..I still love the group learning..but now I understand what was said to me. It is by committing myself to the discipline of studying and doing in my studio, just like the study I did for Creative Writing, and Narrative Counselling theory, that I will find the growth and learning ain a new body of knowledge, which will support my development as an artist, and a person. This is discipline, and without deadlines I will really see what I am really made of!!

I can see now that I needed be strong enough to begin my journey as an artist. Doing my art degree I was too frightened to really commit myself to being the artist I am. This is so strange to write. I have been told I had so much courage to take the journeys into the painful areas of my life, like the therapy to settle childhood tragedies, but I haven't up to now had the strength of trust in myself to know that what I was doing was right for me. To commit to the being best at what I am has been really hard. The persusion was intense to conform and meet others needs, and as a long time mother of many years, this has been the living pattern of my life. Six kids spaced over 23 years does that.

Also to belong and be accepted, when I felt isolated and alone, has always been a strong need. To have been in a world of secondary teaching where the needs of the system and the group were so strong, and to not fit being who I am, when trying so hard to fit, was to finally understand that to fit was to die as me, then the desire to live as me became my overwhelming drive for survival. I am learning to trust myself and to believe in myself, that I am strong, that I do have courage, that I am me and that I want to be the best me I can possibly be. I think that means going public and not being perfect because I know I will survive now and in the process grow stronger as me the committed artist.

I've been thinking...

2010-07-12T14:28:00.008+12:00

Yes, I have...I've been thinking about where art comes from, if it comes from inside myself... I think sometimes it talks about my experiences, where I have been: and sometimes it talks about what I am looking for, where I am going...possibly!!

...so I have been painting, oil painting, and here is my latest finished piece of work, I like this size too, 150mmx150mm, quite small, and it is finally dry. I have framed it up ready for the final vanish coat...this piece of work talks about what I am looking for..

knitting a jersey and oil painting.....

2010-07-02T11:03:00.000+12:00

Thinking about this jersey thing and clothing....cos it's jolly cold and it snowed on Wednesday afternoon here in Hastings city.....anyway, I kept thinking "how do have the jersey I want in the colours I love and the soft wool"....ureka...my mother the knitter of homespun wool and enjoys doing the knitting bit....so I had a chat to her this morning on the phone and we swapped notes on colours and patterns and all manner of warm cuddly things, and we are going to get together probably Sunday or Monday, sit beside her solid fuel and play with colours, and wool textures and create a new old favourite jersey.

I found one my old Indian pics. Crikey I was wearing pink and blue...what is it with me about the pink!!!! This was always the one photograph as the Indian wife, which I thought looked quite good.

So oil painting, I'm going to have play around with oil painting, I love the smell and the colours that can be created for their effects...

secondhand jersy shopping, time for a makeover maybe!!! and portrait group...

2010-07-01T08:48:00.000+12:00

Portrait last night....first one I've done for 7 months, so pleased how much I enjoyed drawing again...

M' portrait 30.06.2010

Secondhand jersy shopping.

I do this every time I need something new in the clothes...I start at the second hand shop thinking I can create something amazing for no cost...hence the journey into teaching to earn a decent living....so getting over that!

Found nothing except one very ill fitting pink, but deliciously warm jersy. I didn't get it! And gosh has the price gone up for secondhand clothing! Not the $5 to $8.00 but $15.00, and considering just how much too all wrong..because I started to remember that my imagination for creating new out of the old is rather a myth I have in my head, mostly. Uggs the the Warehouse were pink...Hmmmmmm.....last time I got a pink pair I dyed them..pink is just a bit over the top!

This has got me thinking about my clothes and my clothes buying habits...being a chubby thing, does not the clothes horse make. The shops have really great sizing now, but they are pricey for good quality. I am also my mother's daughter. "Buy one really good quality piece and hang the rest of the wallrobe on it!" and know I want 'nice' clothes!!!

I think somewhere I just have been so mean to myself over buying clothes, cos I haven't made clothes buying as bigger priorty as food, raisning children does that I think......anyway I think it is time that I am think about putting some thought into what I really like and want and do look good in!!!!

At portrait last night and a friend suggested maybe it was time for a make over...yukkes!!! She was even suggesting a radical haircut...comfort zone...comfort zone........am I being yanked out of my old cosy comfort zone.......well I've been the Indian woman, when I was the Indian wife...loved wearing those loose flowing trousers and dresses ..but they were definately a style all of their own, tried crossing the bits and pieces into western clothing, now I have to admit I'm not the best at creating new styles....

Did the man thing..being big does that and I always like my fathers clothes they were more comfortable and warmer....

So how do I do the artist thing!!!!! just exactly what is the artist thing...

Thought about a tattoo with my Indian name with the henna symbols....

I have shorn my head bald before...looked like a prisoner on the escape AND had to have that pic on my driver's licence for a year..my kids still think it was a huge joke!

So I am going to explore what being an artist means to me.... and blog the journey....... and look back at all the ways I have drawn clothing ideas and how I dressed in the past...will be fun digging up my old pics and drawings to see how I have explored clothing ideas.......

This is fun!

cold feet...

2010-06-30T14:13:00.006+12:00

Yes, I have cold feet, that is a wonderful expression! I am cold and giving myself a hard time for the sense of failure...I know I have done the right thing, it's just the sense of picking myself up and moving on. Being in the middle of a damp, cold winter takes away the desire to clean up the studio courtyard and work in the studio when is damp and cold in there too.

The groceries need buying, and the children need time, and my jersy, my only really warm do everything in jersy, has a large hole in the sleeve. I found this yummy jersey in the 20c box at a garage sale and I liked the colour, burgandy pink red, and the pattern, kind of lacy top and bottom. I never really thought I would wear it all the time and that it would become my all time favourite jersy. (Can you see the hole in the sleeve hooked up on the neck...it's not easy!)

my jersey

My uggs

And it matches my ugg boots that I live in during winter. The uggs are wearing out too cos the inside fluff has disappeared, very chilly toes, outsides are good tho'!

My back to front hat with the butterfly

My hat that I have started wearing, since becoming liberated from conformity, is grey and one of those men's farmers or golfing ones. I have always loved them and wanted to wear one. Not so sure about the grey tho'. Anyway, I've pinned a nail varnished reddy pink butterfly onto the front of it, which is really the back of the hat as I wear it back to front. Keeps my head warm and my hair out of my eyes.

My hair and me

My hair, which I haven't cut for ages as I like twisting it around my fingers cos feels so silky. Besides that I don't want to have those horrible sessions at the hairdresssers deciding how to have my hair cut and then hating the result, knowing I am going to have to do it all again in six weeks cos my hair grows like it's fed fertiziler and thinks it's in spring growth mode 24/7! So my hair and me agree, it's silky so I can twist it, and I won't cut it!!

So all up it's time to take a journey for new interior filled fluffy uggs, love the sales while it is still the middle of winter. And to the secondhand clothes shop where I will reweave my imagination into the clothes I enjoy cutting up, sewing around about with all sorts and joining together in new ways, just like my life story.

Catch ya later alligatas!

In my studio...

2010-06-29T08:28:00.001+12:00

Looking out the studio door to the courtyard

A clear clean working surface reappears

wearing a path to my studio door through the weeds

Yesterday I took phtographs of the outside of my studio and started thinking about the clean up. I thought it curious that I didn't take pics of the inside of my studio. Well it was tired, dusty and lifeless in there. So I spent yesterday reclaiming my space from the spiders, the dust and the damp. I am continuously amazed how a good clean restores the energy and vitality to my spaces.

Where I begin...

2010-06-28T09:30:00.003+12:00

My studio courtyard has suffered so much while I was off closing the chapter of "shoulds".

What a wonderful feeling to want to be back and clean up the mess so I can restore the pleasure I have looking out side of my studio windows into the surrounding garden. Mind you the winter is so wet and cold, I have been tiptoeing around the mud. Still here is my garden as it is now outside my studio and I will begin to reclaim and cultivate my outside studio space as I ready the new work inside and the coming spring.

How do I begin...

2010-06-28T07:38:00.001+12:00

Well, how do I begin...I suppose just straight up...I failed the Practicum 2. This is hard to write as there are so many emotions and experiences surrounding the word failure. When to be perfectly honest I am so relieved to have decided that being a fulltime, even parttime teacher of secondary students, just isn't my passion, strength or vocation. And failing the practicum was the reality check I needed. I was really struggling. I was terrified each and every day entering the school grounds. So many people all the time, on mass and compressed into an environment, apart from the classroom management and the curriculum.

My passion and love for Art and English had disappeared. My passion for my life had disappeared. My appreciation of each day had disappeared. I kept feeling I was on the wrong side of the fence or rather the desk, or book. It was a weird feeling and very fragmenting emotionally. As I turned 55 on Wednesday, I realised it was ok, really OK, more than OK, to be do what I do best, that which I have been beavering away at for years, creating art. To finally know this was a revelation and so liberating.

I have been so terrified to fail as a painter. I have run away from really challenging myself to work hard and consistantly at being successful in this field. Now I am exhausted, but at the same time exhilerated, as I begin to rebuild and recenter myself back into my studio. My wonderful studio. I will join myself more fully into my group of arty friends who have been travelling with me on this journey of self discovery.

My studio has been waiting for me, now I have the courage to be in the world, I will give, what I to do best.

So my next adventure begins as I reclaim my sense of self...

drawing again, dyslexia and learning new structures

2010-06-08T06:45:00.002+12:00

I am finding this teaching course is teaching me how to structure my life and my application to work. I am finding myself up at 4am to go for a walk and to get in at least 2-21/2 hours work before the children need to get up. I really enjoy this time of day because it is so quiet. And I am drawing my character again, looks so sad.... and other times happy. I'm using what I have to teach to create new ideas. Linocut is one, and drypoint another... any way here are a few new drawings turned into something.

I was thinking that I started the teaching because I wanted to grow up, and as I have been wondering what that means, I think I am becoming much more tolerant, and more accepting of the difference in others. Being able to step back and not see the world as affecting me so personally. Also I have been discovering how many strategies i had used to cover up, and cope with dyslexia. And my thinking and way of working seems so different from the way others work to achieve their results. And I am needing to be really strong emotionally not to be affected by a lack of understanding of how I am affected by this and I need to come up with a whole new set of strategies while at the same time taking care of myself and not burning out with the new learning, because it takes so much time.

No matter what happens I am learning to be much more productive with my time, and consistant, sure helps with achieving results not matter what field of endeavour I am in.

In an excellent mood....and on practicum again

2010-05-23T10:54:00.001+12:00

...nothing like a visit to the doctor to discover that being sick is a sure way of being depressing...so so much better now and back on practicum...i really like students and the learning process of being a teacher is heaps of fun, and lots of really interesting adults who are fun to work with....am feeling mightly creative at the mo too, so knitting flat stick......fitting everything is a challenge but the results give colour to the daily doing of things.

Back to lesson planning (it's sunday and I've discovered teachers don't really have long weekends and holidays that's just time to get ready for the next week's work).....today getting ready for the first lot of teaching of students rather than just observing.....scarey but good fun....

Hope everyone is jimminy cricket!!

Another contact course over and looking up I saw winter was here

2010-05-09T11:58:00.004+12:00

When did winter start? I looked up to see it was winter, after not noticing how cold it was until I got sick, and realised I was chilled to the bone. I really hate this kind of disconnection from what is happening around me with the seasons. Every year before I have loved getting the house ready for winter. Moving the chairs closer to the fire, stacking the wood near the back door, and closing all those windows that seem to stay ajar for the summer heat, and moving the beds off the outside walls, because the house is concrete and holds the cold on dark days, and moving the dining table to the winter sunny window for the board games and family chats, and moving the big rugs in front of the fire. This year my head is so full of facts about teaching studies, lessons plans and assignment deadlines that I missed settling my house into winter.

What surprises me most about missing making my house cosey for winter, is the sense of desolation, loneliness and chill, that seems to have pervaded my house. It appears that a feeling of warmth and being surrounded in comfort in my house in winter comes from these kind of preparations. These preparations pave the way for pumpkin soup and breadmaking in the weekends, and pancakes, golden syrup with cream and coffee on sundays. And snuggling deep in a comfy chair in front of the fire with a long awaited book, and knitting the woolly warmers. Knitting, which is the fire and colour of the dying autumn in wool.

So I am miserable, cold and sick, and feeling stuck in between the seasons. I so want to welcome winter but am already too cold, and miserable to work up the energy to do the wonderful warming work, because there is too much study, and too much time away from the house (so I can earn a living that supports my family), and not enough time to do the everyday stuff of buying groceries and house cleaning.

So it's Mother's day, and I am sick and tired of being a mother, who is neglecting my home, and has missed the preparations for winter. I am losing touch with the home inside myself that nourishes and feeds the soul of our family.

Another small thought, and brilliant to be back in class with again with peers,

2010-04-20T21:46:00.001+12:00

So good to be back with adults again, in class with my peers and colleagues. I realise this is hard work becoming a secondary school teacher, and we are all feeling the pressure.

I need to change the way I operate as a parent and adjust my way of thinking, to become a consistant teacher with good classroom management skills. I need to ask a question rather than make a statement to generate thought and self responsibility. Great stuff for equal conversations, but nothing is easy and certainly changing ingrain habits is a big challenge. I enjoy a challenge, and the results are so worth the effort.

last thought for the day...

2010-04-18T21:54:00.002+12:00

.....god how did I get so boring!!!!!!!

Last day....

2010-04-18T14:51:00.001+12:00

Today is sunday and tomorrow is back to fulltime study in class. I am still so tired and don't feel rested. Having so little time to myself to recover and think about all that has happened over the last months, has been very stressful. This is the thing about having holidays with children with so little time to reflect, just full on children stuff and winter upon us.

Never mind, life is just like that I suppose when the choice is to venture out into the world fulltime and disengage from time that is rthymical seasonal time. The time that is connected to the growing of plants and being in the garden and in the studio making art. I always seem to be yearning for a place of peace that I am sure only exists in my heart. That sense of place where the earth and the intellect meet and are happy with each other.

Just finished reading Margaret Attwood, Negotiating with the Dead. What a pleasure! This series of lectures at Empson of "A writer on writing". Has given me much to think about. It is the understaning what what it is be to the writer and write, as it is for the artist to make art. This is all because winter is coming and I naturally hibernate in winter and become very introspective. A process of going into my cocoon and waiting for spring when I emerge as the new me. No such luck this winter....all study and in school.

The hope of tranformation in the world this time is well worth the time and effort to stay connected with the dream of success. SO......I will hang in there and recover my inner self as I challenge my ability to be out in thie world with so many people...only good can come from this kind of energy. And that is the drive. To grow as challenge myself to achieve this goal.

Maybe a while before I am back, so enjoy the winter everyone, and may your fires be rekindled.

Holiday coming to an end.

2010-04-16T09:56:00.000+12:00

Well shock and horror, I'd just go my last assignment in and was sinking into a marshmallow of a rest when an email came "don't forget your draft is due for assignment 3 is due in May", well!!!! that killed the holiday mood. Been trying to recover ever since. The other nausating thing about studing full time plus, is the house cleaning get shoved hard onto the very back burner. There's just no time. Sooo....the house is yuck!! And this more than anything else rattles my equilbium. But, being so tired I sure don't have the energy for a house autumn clean. And having teenagers around who think they are on holiday too...the situation is not pretty or sanitary.

So now it's friday and I'm just starting to get some real sleep, and enjoy waking in the night to read a book of choice. The changing room is still in progress...that means teen is still cleaning out and sorting her old room. Only two days of holiday to go so there will be a move into high gear today, in preparation for the winter term.

I did get one painting started and a whole lot of messing around with framing ideas...and I stared steadly at the garden for minutes at a time......I am liking what you are doing Hayden dated April 12 the Gardenwork book and with the Devas. And that workbook you linked on your website is inspring from what I could read. I think that's why I love staying in the garden for quite a long time and things just seem to sort themselves into the right places.. I liked the ideas around the change to the aquarian age from the piscian age with the ideas on what the earth is doing with these changes. Good reading stuff.

Well time to kick butt and get some work done around here in the readiness for the next school term.

Vive La Holiday!

2010-04-12T12:07:00.000+12:00

Today is the beginning of really having a holiday. All assignments are in last friday and my head is in much need of unravelling. So here goes.......I want to paint and I want to garden but I'm just too cold to really do either sccessfully at this point.

So how's it all going.....fantastic. I love teaching and appear to be a natural at it...these are the words of those in the know...meaning the writers of the words that assess me. And I finally feel like I belong. This place of teaching and learning is so multi-dimensional and stimulating I feel like I have died with the biggest smile on my face and gone to the heaven of my most wonderful dreams.

The weather is so still and sunny, warm as toast in my studio and I am ready to start on some new ideas that have come as a result of floor talks at a recent exhibition opening and keen observation of details that fascinate me. I want to do some research into Faber? kind of painting...not sure if this is the right terminology, so I will send some time today finding out.....

I was having a look at a house for sale yesterday...I always seem to do this when I am really mentally exhausted and need to have a sense of a place of visual rest. It was so arts and crafts cottagey, with lots of stained glass windows and extra spaces with nooks and crannies of possibility. But the kitchen was an alleyway with nowhere to rest and feed people. I like finding out who I am this way, because I then discover what is important about my house/home, what has made it home for me.

My kitchen in my home may need a major renovation but I love how it has space to feed and entertain next to the 'living' room. Our living room is exactly that, a room where we live. The fire is open and deliciously warm, the large picture window looks onto the park land, and all my study desk and book shelves circle the space around the dining table. A winter and summer room.

So I come home after finding a house I visually adore, and settle back into the feeling of the house I have made my home and make peace with myself.

A friend dropped around last week, for dinner, and commented on her way out, how many flowers I had in my garden. I looked around in surprise and 'saw' my garden! I saw that I had indeed been planting and cultivating flowers in pots, in corners and along the edges of things. All the flowers were colourful and vibrant, and they had made themselves obvious when I was wanting so much to have a garden full of flowers that I hadn't seen it happen.

I keep changing my bedroom into different rooms. I am not settled. Daughter has grown and wants more space for her developing friendships. Vive la friendship. She has come up with suggestions and I am delighted. She has been in her room since she was 3 years old. She wants have my room, which is big and cosy with a solid fuel burner, and so I will move into her room, which has the winter sun and a west facing view. I'm looking forward to that. This may settle the feeling of wanting a small space and yet still have the warmth of the sun with trees in the distance.

Well rambled enough, I will keep this blog up each day I think while I'm on holiday, to get to know who I am again when I am at home.

At contact course, Massey

2010-03-07T15:40:00.000+13:00

Wow so many weeks since I last posted, and cos I'm just so busy I even had to think how to get onto here.

I am on the contact two weeks at Massey University and I am having an amazing two weeks away from the bay and studying up to my eyeballs. This is the beginning of the second week. As an mature student and being away from being a parent for the longest time I have ever had that I can remember, I am enjoying myself and feeling only stressed out about how much written work I need to get done. I'm sitting upstairs in the library and looking out the window at the huge old green native trees waving in the wind, thinking it's sunday and nearly four o'clock (the library shuts at four) and then it's down to the Marae to settle back in again for this coming week.

I was in town today looking at the Palmerston North shops. I found a Mall and it was so hidden away that I got quite a shock to see how big it was and how many people were inside on a Sunday....and wow so much more variety then Hastings KMart, tho it was like a carbon copy of KMart Hastings. That was weird.

Found a mediterian food supplies too ..yum....now eating crispy BBQ fish. Lots of chilli salt and sugar and very dried fish.

All my peers, colleagues have been away for the weekend...we all headed in different directions on friday after class...so I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone this evening as we all gather for this coming week of study.

Well must away, lesson plans calling and library will shut soon.

I will catch up again when I take another breath!

Looking at what has been happening....

2010-02-02T14:48:00.002+13:00

I am a few days off the end of my holidays, before the start of the next stage of my career move, and so I thought I would do a review of what I have achieved in preparation for this year.

Actually I am amazed at how much has happened in a relatively short time; and all since I last wrote this blog.

I think my happiest achievement this week has been to have buyers for three of my paintings. I believe this has been the direct result of changing my marketing approach to my artwork. Also part of changing my approach has been to move into a new weekly art group and make lovely new friends. Now I am developing more confidence and appreciation for the direction my painting is trying to achieve. Also we laugh together, work together and encourage each others painting, disasters, successes and selling efforts. I like this kind of group energy where we are all working together to recognise our unique and successful approaches to our work as successful artists. So exciting!

So the studio has had a thorough clean and sort out in preparation for upcoming artwork before I start Teachers training next week. I moved in a desk for an area to prepare and send the pieces to go out into the world. Sure has made a significant difference having this desk as a space to have a more professional approach.

The new fence is very finished and already covered in creepers, and the vegetable garden is producing lovely salad vegetables, as are the other walls around. All the wonderful product of the wet weather.

My son is now in his own space (a caravan) as this is his last year at school before leaving and starting tertiary education. He now has a bedroom and a living room with a fridge and able to have friends to visit.

He certainly made it happen too, as he got two of his friends to help him empty the driveway of the winter wood and stack it into the woodshed to clear space to put the caravan. So all the winter wood in stacked and dry.

Now I have a guestroom in the house for family and friends to stay. There is a possibility it may be used for a boarder too in the future. This is after the cleaning and before the making of the bed. I will put a wooden blind up for the window too.

The other thing I have started and always wanted to do, is to put sayings and expressions that catch my fancy on to the toilet wall for comtemplation. Well I took the step and started writing on the wall. So much fun.

And to top all this off, I found a pair of reading glasses, when I was cleaning out the studio, which I had bought so long ago but were too strong to wear. ow they are perfect and I can see again. And they are a better quality than the ones I had been wearing.

Gosh life is good.

What is this very weird spider....??

2010-01-14T09:39:00.000+13:00

I found this spider on me this morning, it's so tiny and ...I have never seen one before..... I'm wondering what it is??? Anyone know

Twilight Movie, thoughts after seeing it...

2010-01-07T11:22:00.004+13:00

Well I think Twilight beats Avatar hands down for a story which evolves male female relationships. And I understand now why everyone young is so excited by it. It restores the balance of power between men and women.

To see a man who comes from a the idea that he wants to protect a woman, and works so hard at maintaining self control as his responsibility for himself, to have a relationship with her, certainly presents a contrast to the image of men as macho comic figures with a sensitive side that women need to be strong and protect.

And such a pleasure to see these ideals so strongly held that sexuality as sex acts are not featured, which regenerates the soul and revives the idea of a woman, who lives into her vast emotional sensual feelings with a man, can be safe and grow into an awakened woman.

Now I feel like something inside of me has been restored and understood as a woman.

the farmer's market and Avatar.

2010-01-03T12:26:00.000+13:00

I have just been to the Farmer's market across the road from my house, and sampled delicious little treats like gormet food, dried meats, chocolate, chicken balls, all yum but I really went for a shot of wheat grass juice. I curious about this stuff. I had a shot last weekend and it tasted terrible, so I thought this week have it in a freshly made juice. So with a topicina in hand..that's mixed fruit...I put the shot into it....sigh still tasted terrible and the juice sure lost that yummy flavour......so I will persurive and see how it goes..I think a month of two.

As you can see it's really really hot, and everyone is under the shade of the trees. A cool 36C on my back porch.

I also went to the market to get some more plants for my garden...this time it was herbs. Now the fence is finished I feel like I can really start filling the place up with plants. Bought a fresh cheese and herb bread too.

Went with Daughter and saw the Movie Avatar last night. Unreal. What struck me most strongly was the same unlying thread of the ideas in the Anne Caffery books about dragons bonding humans, and the Dance with Wolves with the soldier becoming a member of the Native American Indian tribes, was interwoven in this movie...great movie, and a very strong message about plundering other cultures and disregard for the living earth. Very well done for that.

my new year's resolution

2010-01-03T10:46:00.001+13:00

Is to wake up each day and know I will decide to be happy.....

My daughter sent me this and it's working.......THE BANK ACCOUNT!!!    This is AWESOME ... something we should all remember.    A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock , with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.    His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.   

As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung over his window.     I love it,' he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.    Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait.'    'That doesn't have anything to do with it,' he replied.    Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.    Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.    'It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice;    I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.    Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.    Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from it what you've put in.    So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories!   

Thank you for your part in filling my Memory Bank.      I am still depositing.      'Remember the five simple rules to be happy:    
1. Free your heart from hatred.    
2. Free your mind from worries.    
3. Live simply.    
4. Give more.    
5. Expect less.    

You will receive a miracle tomorrow.    Now, STOP! Did you hear what I just said. You WILL receive a miracle    Tomorrow. So send it right now!

I send this to all those who read my blog, ....and now everyday I wake up and think yes I am happy to today and life is wonderful, cos it is my attitude that makes the difference........how easy is that!

anger followed by guilt and feeling sorry for the person I am angry with.

2010-01-01T11:27:00.001+13:00

This thought occurred to me as I completed the word finder and using many coloured pens to reveal pretty patterns when all the words are found. So in the process of looking for patterns I am looking for the pattern of anger and being true to oneself and stop this feeling guilty for the other person...as it just victimises them and me.........so the pattern and the resolution.....

When I am angry, I feel the anger and then, after I have said what I wanted to say to that person, I feel guilty and sorry for the person who I was angry with......this really boosts my sense of self worth...YEAH RIGHT!!!!.....I think this is fear of the repecussions of being angry. As a child being angry in face of the authority figure was very firmly discouraged. And if I am too scared to really say what I want to say, I just continue to feel angry and then if I say anything to someone else about what I am angry about with that person, then I feel really guilty for saying not nice things about that person....... SOOOOOOO...new years resolution...... to be true to my values to be ok with being angry, cos anger is a very healing emotion. I suppose I hold onto anger because I feel strong when I am angry and when the emotion subsides it is replaced with a woobly feeling inside. The woobly feeling is "this is the end; there is no more future cos I don't see how to stand strong in my anger, say what I want to say and still feel safe, only way to feel safe is to escape and hide".

Feeling sorry for the other person ...hmmm.... as I write this an expression comes to mind from my past..."this is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you"....I feel rightous anger just thinking about the pain that was inflicted and justified with that statement. Hmmmm......so I suspect it is an act of power to withdraw in face of that pain, but I want to stand tall as an act of power and live my life with pride and respect and deal with my anger as a process of negotiation and have a strong voice.

To have a strong voice that gives and produces a sense of safety for others and myself even iwhen feeling the anger. This is the art form.

So am reading Bravemouth, Living with Billy Connolly, by Pamela Stephenson.

I love the way he is so strong in his exterior self (I love his clothes) and he can say "fuck" in the nicest possible way......

I want to dreadlock my hair, dye the ends purple and green, and get a tattoo that says "Theodore is short, fat and wearing green on his sleeve" scripted in Punjabi.....I think!!!

follow up to "you get me"

2009-12-31T12:50:00.000+13:00

Still thinking about this feeling of "you get me" and I suppose I would also say it is two people "reading between each other's lines"...

I have been having a unexpected break from the youngest daughter over the last two nights, she's staying at her dads. Strange being alone but good, as it gives me the opportunity to realise the circle of my life is changing with the importance of activities changing emphasis. By that I mean, I have moved into a new circle of friends, and becoming a strong part of the New art club I have become involved in. It has been a gradual and comfortable change with a sense of acceptance and a feeling of a new way of being a friend. The sense of back and forth sharing and support and we work together with our art has been amazing. Quite a surprise actually because it happened so gradually and with no apparent drama. Now a member has an opening this coming week, after leaving work to pursue art as a fulltime job. So we are all very excited to support his first independant opening. To admire another's artwork and to get the same kind of admiration back for my artwork has been very humbling and has changed my feeling of being a successful artist making artwork and the incentive to create for exhibition and sale.

New years eve today and the last day of 2009. I have mowed all the lawns and tidied the edges with a sense of prpeparing for the New year. The sun is also shining and not too hot thank goodness. The predicted gale was a lot of hot wind and only a touch of rain, so today is a beautiful day. My plants are still alive and will start growing soon as I nurture them along.

New Year's resolutions. Hmmmm....I want to get up each saturday morning and do the gardening. I love gardening, it is so visual but I know this is a real hard one cos on saturdays all I want to do is blob and read the paper over a coffee. I want to take over the lawns from the son cos I love mowing the lawns and he hates it. And then I can keep the garden in the state I enjoy instead of having a fight over wheither the lawn is done or not when he wants to go out!

into gardening and thinking about the expression "you get me"

2009-12-28T14:34:00.000+13:00

The new fence is up and finished, with one bin filled with compost and dirt, and cuddling new plants from yesterday's Farmers Market. Deliciously healthy and loving raised plants they are too.

Not sure why but seemed to be cloudy when I take new pics of the garden. Probably because it's cool enough to be outside at this time of day. 2.13pm I will probably paint the wall soon too, which is just outside the kitchen window and then this area will look much more yummy.

Now this expression "you get me". I have been thinking alot about this. The feeling of acceptance and creation of trust, from this very thing that happens between two people, when they "get" each other, which really says something about the making and sharing of meaningful relationships.

How does this happen exactly?

Well all I know is that when two people have battled out the issue of respect over many years of sharing intimate conversations and have learned to negotiate by listening to each other and learning to saying how that listening makes them feel inside, then this wonderful thing happens, suddenly one day when they want to make a decision togther and they talk using their negotiated process of respect, and they want to give each other something of themselves, then suddenly the intention behind the words is heard by each and acted upon, when the words themselves were searching for their meanings. And then all of a sudden an overwhelming sense of trust and love opens up as the activity is shared and built upon because each feels "got" by the other.

new blog colours and title

2009-12-17T11:35:00.001+13:00

Today is a new the beginning of a new cycle of ..yes of what...hmmm....I think it is that three steps forward thing, now happening after being in retreat. My blog that was, has been saved to a PDF, for a book and what fun is that! and now moving forward again. So blog colurs bright and expectant and title more in keeping with the exploration of ideas.

The symbolic work which is the doing on my piece of land are; I have pulled down the first fence I built on my small, very small 'holding' or plot of land or resident nest. This fence was built to hold in my dog. The new large courtyard fence now surrounds and has been secured to hold in the dog so the area once fenced and on the shade sidfe of the fence has been opened up and on the sunny side now. I want to use this area for a herb and veg garden as well as the seed raising area because it is sheltered form the midday sun. The fence will also become the seclusion for the studio courtyard and backdrop for climbers. still thinking what climbers, could be passionfruit, I like plants that either smaell fantastic or produce fruit and have fascinating flowers. Also really love little rooms in my garden with mysterious journeys to find hidden places.

Yesterday I saw my oven in a shop window. My new oven to be in my new to be kitchen. It was gold and green just like autumn and the same colour as my solid fuel burner. How great is that.....I will put pics on here when I take them. And I am going to start a new kitchen book with all these pics of ideas.

The shed is done, the symbol of myself existing, so time for my new journey to start, the journey to find my heart.

returning to "normal"

2009-12-01T09:49:00.001+13:00

Why is it that a retreat, like a regenerating cycle, has so many layers to work though for a sense of normality to return.

Yesterday was tidying and cleaning instead of reorganising. What a difference that made. The book shelves are tidy, and the sunroom is now a restful place to be now. It appears that organisation comes out of tidying and cleaning. SIGH!!!! not the other way round. And it's also about becoming my own rock, rather than thinking the rock I need is outside of me.

And it's that sense of needing to become refocused after any major lifestyle change, which just feels like it everything takes a jolly long time to happen when living in the middle of the process.

Now time to work on the process of scholarships for next year. And still thinking about changing the colour of this blog, but would love to print the whole thing as a book series before altering it tooo much!

sorting the Stuff

2009-11-30T13:46:00.000+13:00

An interesting insight is developing as I sort the stuff. There is a picture that emerges as I sort through old paperwork and I am finding myself, a new picture of who I am. There are so many study folders that they are filling three shelves of my book case. That's a surprise. As I form new groupings and put associated groups of catogories together, instead of all over the place hidden in different corners, I see there is a contentrated effort of achievement. I havesense of a greater appreciation of all the work I have done up to date to achieve my goals. Cos I undervalve what I do, I don't see what I have done. Rather a pleasure associated to all this cleaning up now.

Thinking it is time to change the colours on here again!

searching for a new daily rhythm

2009-11-30T11:52:00.000+13:00

With an eye that catches the briefest movement and then races in that direction, to have a sense of inner rhythm is an elusive beast.

Nearly six weeks now since the last assignment were posted and the results are still coming in. I am hoping I have passed the papers, so far looking good, but still waiting the final results.

But the present is now about having an inner rhythm so my house functions again. That means doing the cleaning, tiding, so general getting stuff organised gets done. Studying with tight deadlines sure knocks the stuffing out of this kind of daily organisation of keeping up with the house type stuff. A real pain actually, cos the sorting out the aftermath of study is a nightmare. It all seems just too much as it surrounds me. It's the daily cleaning and tiding I've decided, especailly as the only adult in the household. The balancing of the other adult is missing, so children do as I do, (nothing like actions speaking louder than words) and my example while studing on our household created a tidal wave. Now there is a hell of a lot of resistance to creating a new rhythm that serves us all.

Challenging, but I am aware if I do work at cleaning and tiding, on a daily basis, then a new rhythm will eventuate emerge. The results will be there, ensuring that my frustration at the continual mess around me will diminish over time and an order with a rhythm will emerge.

retreat is like being a pupa

2009-11-25T09:08:00.007+13:00

I was thinking going into retreat is like the pupa stage in the life cycle of the butterfly...figuratively speaking.
All that change going on inside a secure sealed case and hidden from speculative view. I like that!
So with the emerging, there is a sense of fragility and wetness; watery jelly like emotions slowly solidifying into their new state of being. Rather exciting and sometimes scary.

I was thinking, the surprise on the emerging, is the discovery that the caterpillar's protective instinct has created new circumstances and new opportunties on the outside surrounding the pupa; with the readiness to support the emerging. How great is that!

Last night I dreamt I had moved to New York with an exciting new job sharing with friends. A nice introduction to the future when emerging from a retreat. And I have a sense of time being back in proportation to the ticking of the clock, and in harmony with the movement of the day. I am always surprised how much the preception of time alters during a retreat. Such fast progression each day of the hours and the weeks, and yet so slow over every minute.

My challenge of my retreats is the fallout from the prickles, which remind me of my hippy era when we talked about warm fuzzies and cold pricklies. Retreat sure does send out a heap of cold pricklies to ensure there is a change. Change being a necessary part of growth and development, which insists that relationships support the continued growth of this new state of being. I suppose the challenge I face and one I have spent much time investigating, is how personal growth and development are negiotated in relationships. I believe this is a tough act that requires stomach gripping courage, with much self honesty, and openness, to talk about the fear, pain and anger in a situation, without the blame and the accusation. Upon emerging, I realise the relationships that survived the regrowth have this understanding of negiotation built into their foundations. What a gift is that! And I love the pleasure of sharing with the sense of equality. This is the life blood of my new everyday.

have hit rock bottom and finally on my way back up...dam that took a whole month!!!!

2009-11-24T18:33:00.001+13:00

sitting under a big tree listening

2009-11-13T09:00:00.000+13:00

it appears when retreat is necessary, I retreat, and totally cut myself off from everyone and everything. Seems this retreat hit with full force, October usually being the time it happens. The University Papers had finished and so many other things had ended, which require thinking about. But the strength and extent of this retreat was unexpected. As I am still in the midst of all this, I find myself not talking and not wanting to talk.

I will come out, when I am ready.

time to say goodbye and venture out...

2009-11-06T13:36:00.000+13:00

Goodbye blog, that was quite an adventure.

so much to do and so little to say....

2009-10-28T08:23:00.003+13:00

University papers are finished for the year and now after a mental blob, it's time to get all the things done that have been left to rest awhile.

On fine days

make a vege garden
sink the posts for the front fence
bolt on the cross beams on front fence
paint front fence green
staple on the netting on front fence

On wet days

research and apply for scholarships
empty out the filing cabinet of old papers
have a jolly good burn up of old papers

That will do for today...

...reading between the lines...

2009-10-27T10:52:00.008+13:00

I have been thinking about my relationships lately, because it is October. October is Spring and time for new growth. With October and six yearly cycles being significant relationship reassessment times in my life.

So... What have I learnt? I have learnt that:

Love is visible, when the partners are able to read between each others spoken lines, to hear what is not being said, in the process of negotiating to understand the other's personal meanings.
It is only from a position of mutual caring, that each is able to support the other's vulnerability.
That to let go of the fear of losing personal power in the relationship, makes a significant relationship with strong foundations,
That trust is built when each has the best interests of the other, and the relationship at heart.
To take the time to listen and hear with ones' inner ear to what the other is saying, is an act of love.
To understand that anger is a defense when feeling vulnerable.
To want to understand what the anger is defending is respectful of self and the other.
To share that respect and understanding enables the relationship to grow.
To know that the above points make a significant relationship meaningful.
Most of all; that a meaningful relationship is a commitment to understand the meaning of love, with a commitment to work at that understanding.

And I was thinking this morning, how each piece of this learning required a relooking back into past with understanding, to gain new knowledge, it is only then that these Aha moments can happen.

All so easy to think about, but quite another to live with!!!

October and time of rapid change...

2009-10-05T08:57:00.003+13:00

Today is Monday. Monday is usually my day off to mentally rest and give myself some time to indulge in random thought. I always find the results so interesting and food for the rest of the week.

But...it's holidays and with children around mental time out is not an option. Also I have two major assignments I am finishing. The last two assignments of my papers for this year. The last assignments are always the hardest. The temptation to leap into my next project, which is the garden with spring very much in evidence, I wang to get my hands dirty. Not such luck, also it's raining so just looking out the window at the grass and rapid green growth requires thoughtful restraint at present.

I've got so many projects on the go, the picture book, these two papers and the prospect of next year as an internal student for the teacher's training. That's not even looking at the home front. The house is is such a need of a spring clean, it's a tad scary. Also the stove is now down to one good element. The other three heat from zero to ultra high in a split second. Sigh.

This is the maintance side of things that need to be taken care of. I am frustrated by my partly finished courtyard too, growing an indecent amount of weeds and rapidly disappearing as a good intention. Still as I think about these things I know as my papers are finished and the weather clears up, I will be out there finding the bricks to lay and the paint to finish the walls. I have been considering the waterfall I want in there all winter and have just about formuated a plan.

My youngest son has just bought his first car and I now feel like I can go out again any time I like in my car, especially on friday nights because he used to disappear with it to his social events.

Oh well time to get back to the assignments and get the little suckers finished, so I can get my hands good and dirty.

One last thing. I had a coffee, a very delicious coffee with a very old friend on sunday, what a pleasure to catch up after all these years. It's been 30 years, surprising how much I found we hadn't changed as our fundamental selves. I think the only change is experience and lives lived.

I have an inkling I am on the verge of my next big adventure.....I wonder what it will be?!

Maybe it will be my next blogging journey!

Toodles for now.

school Holidays.

2009-09-29T15:57:00.004+13:00

it's now the last school holidays before the christmas holidays. And I am working at getting my last two assignments done for the two English papers I am doing. Consequently I haven't done any more extensive drawing work on the picture book. There is so much to think about with children involved in school activities, which seem to be so much busier this time of year. And the weather too is getting warmer, but with bursts of freezing cold.

So after organising what children would be doing this holidays I have spent the day writing poetry for the poetry paper and am rather happy with the results.

This morning I went with my son and our mechanic, (my son is looking for his first car, and the worry of that too!) to have a look at a car he loved. Sigh! it had a blown head gasket and body rust as well as numerous other problems.....he was heart broken....being a wise parent is a real pain at times, there is quite a gap between romance and practicality...we are trying to find a balance.

back to work......

school Holidays.

2009-09-29T15:57:00.001+13:00

After the Art Retreat weekend

2009-09-15T07:52:00.006+12:00

The Hall with all the working tables

What a fantastic weekend. I went with my artist friend Katherine, Thank you Katherine for your great companionship. Katherine and I sat together making art, in the sun and in front of a huge picture window. These enormous glass windows looked out over a paddock with horses, into the distant hills. The perfect outlook for arty industry. Here are some pics.
The view from the picture window

I meet so many lovely women, who were also on the weekend. To be in the company of other women was an absolute pleasure, as we all toiled away at our projects and in the evening told stories of our lives. The food was amazing and a real surprise. Even the little brand new country pub down the road, where we escaped to for a breather and real coffee, was delightful.

I want to thank all you lovely women who took so much interest in my stories and illustrations and plans for my picture book. I was completely bowled over by your enthusiasm. I had no idea that what I am doing would receive so much appreciation for what I am trying to achieve. To have your support has given my project so much more meaning for me and an understanding of how others will view the finished product. Now I feel part of a much wider community with sense of belonging, because you have embraced my ideas and welcomed them. Thank you all so very much. I will continue to share with you what I am achieving and possibly have the finished book ready for the next retreat. Certainly an exciting goal to aim for.

The artwork for my picture book

Also thank you Lynda for your lovely email, wonderful to hear from you.

I am still exhausted and just want to sleep for a day. Can't yet, children and their needs to be a school on time are taking priority. I am waiting for this coming weekend.

This week so far I am reading up on dummy books and story boards and thinking about illustration school, thinking about how I can learn all this stuff.

Have a great week everyone.

spring cleaning years of accumulated art and other stuff

2009-08-21T09:59:00.005+12:00

Called the plumber this morning..hot water tank leaking onto the roof something chronic...ajax valve possibly..and power bills jackknifed through the roof. So nice plumber please make the nasty leak go away...

And here are some sketches of a villain I am working on.

This weeks portrait...I was tired and the model found it hard keeping still...and I am discovering the flash of the camera takes away the shadows...will work on this.....still the likeness is good.

Wow... Spring cleaning years of accumulated art and other stuff.

I am cleaning out up and around and through, like the sparkle of all that "Stuff" has fallen from my eyes and would the real me please stand up!!

So much fun doing organising too...my studio is finally having all it's bits and pieces put into collections...I have been shocking at organising stuff into collections of relevance...I so envyed Katherine with her talent for everything in it's right place and so neat and tidy, when I read that Virgos have that talent (Katherine is a Virgo)...whee off the hook, I wasn't a horder or a drop where ever and pick up later kind of person...I'm just a good old fashioned Cancer! So much more fun knowing my star sign has a lot to answer for!

What surprises me most in this collecting together and making collections of all my art stuff, is just what is there and how much of what. A sh*t load of paper, enough to paper a house, if I wanted 180gm walls of cream and white. And coloured pencils and coloured pens...how come so many!! The other thing is my finished art work...could start my own gallery with at least 16 rooms!!

So the music is up so loud the glass in windows are rattling and my foot is convulsively tapping and my house has floor showing that hasn't seen the light of day since the floors were sanded and polyed. Front door appeared too...that was a shock....(we always use the back)...neighbours cars take up the front driveway. I will paint the back door red...chinese for happiness.......will keep you posted......

playing with drawing clocks

2009-08-18T10:17:00.004+12:00

Hmmm am playing this morning with drawing...clocks...

It's a beautiful day today, all sunny and damp. The mist was thick on the ground this very early morning and the stars clear above my head. I do like this getting up early when the mood takes me.

Yesterday I changed where I sit to write and study, immediately my state of mind changed too! How much fun is that! And now the sun has come far enough round in the sky...winter around 10.45am....and is shining in the window onto my desk...

creative partnerships and portraits

2009-08-13T08:54:00.003+12:00

Another Portrait Wednesday evening been and gone again so quickly.
Here I have a photograph of the model finding the viewing so helpful to see the structural layout. I find myself so nervous putting both on here together because of the opportunity to compare for defect and difference.
I will hold myself in hand and say well done the likeness is good and I can see where I will pay closer attention to structure and detail. What is so exciting about this week, is that I gave a copy of last week's portrait to the model and she was so delighted, even gave me a hug and talked of how she is going to show her portrait to all the people at her work. This was very unexpected, and has had the effect of inspiring me to develop greater skill. I am going now to give all the models a copy of their portraits. My most pleasurable consequence of the giving was seeing how much pleasure they gain from having a piece of their experience as a model to keep.

Yesterday was also an interesting day as I was thinking about the decision "to live my life in delight" rather than "my life as something to survive". Finding myself exploring this idea I am surprised to see how much of my life is delightful, like the portrait group, my children and my friends. Especially the sheer pleasure of my friends , they being who they are. Thank you my friends.

(I keep looking at the portrait and photograph, now noticing a need for more openness in the face...hmmmm will look again at this...)

I am looking at and for creative relationships and now noticing they are all around me, and part of relating to other in the sharing of interests. Still thinking on this........

Wednesday night again and portrait night.

2009-08-06T08:12:00.003+12:00

I was told that of whole class of 18 this was the one portrait that actually looked like the model. This is a personal triumph for me as this is what I aim to achieve when drawing a portrait.
Last night's portrait night again and I almost forgot, again! So much rushing around on Wednesdays. Wednesday is my day off from children and mentally I become an adult. Strange how much this becoming an adult can change my thinking about how I perceive my daily life. That sense of reflection with the time to organise my thoughts. And the ability to wake in the night and sink into my thoughts, knowing that waking in the morning is when I wake up naturally from enough sleep rather than when I need to wake up to get children off to school. A wonderful sense of freedom.

Anyway back to last night's portrait. I have been changing the way I view my artwork. I have decided I am an artist to explore my creativity to have a sense of freedom and relaxation rather than creating artwork as a means to make a living. Having assimilated this idea I find myself happy and wanting to share what I create. Also reading the dissertation of Charles A Tweedly (what a wonderful surname, tastes so delicious in my mouth the word Tweedly) Anyway, reading his dissertation on Transformational learning and Successful Dyslexics, I have an intense sense of knowing who I am as a dyslexic and how the way I think and process is a gift and a pleasure to enjoy, and I am doing just that now. I find myself wanting to reach for my own stars knowing they are in my sky, visible and bold.

This portrait is the first portrait I will give to the model and I am so excited to be able to do this. I photocopied it in colour and the detail became more intense,. I also signed it and put my stamp on the back. A sense of completion, and a sense of not longer having to push so hard to turn my artwork into profit to make something happen in the money area. My application is in for Graduate Secondary Teacher's training for next year, knowing this is will to be my income.

What an intense sense of relief.

Now back to my Written Communication paper, I doing a Theses Essay on Discernment. Here it is:

"If discernment, as an extrarational learning process, is a rich and viable process to achieve career success and personal transformation, by those for whom dyslexia is their learning experience; how is this form of discernment described, so as to be understood and experienced by those for whom dyslexia is not their experience and for whom learning is a rational process?" (Johal, 2009)

I am now getting very excited to begin the writing process now and see for the first time a real sense of how my writing and understandings, after all these years of learning to write, all finally come together. So exciting!!

Reference;

Johal, A M, (2009) The Grandfather Clock, In the process of being written for Massey University Paper.

A parent's very proud moment

2009-07-27T08:14:00.002+12:00

I am so proud of my daughter and have a tremendous sense of triumph as a parent. My daughter, aged 11, HATES the cross country run that each year brings her to a real meltdown. And I dread the tough attitude I need to assume to insist she perseveres with the training at school and resulting reaction from her when I do not fold under the pressure to write the "please excuse " note. She has wonderfully long legs and a running body, she just doesn't want to come last or do the exercise. Last year she insisted I came and watch her run, which I am more than happy to do, but just knew I was there to disintergrate on. Sure enough she stopped half way, burst into tears and insisted she could not continue. I was not impressed!

Soooo this year, when the same tirade started up as the cross country training was due to start, I stood my ground and said no note and to try and just do her best. That was all that was important. Didn't matter where she came, cross country running was just about enjoying the view of the country and doing the run, and trotting and walking was fine.

Well after the tears and my tight lips because I will not be drawn into this, she came back first day and said she completed the course last and had a sore side, but another girl had said raise her hands above her head and that would help, (It sure must have) and her time was 20 minutes so many seconds. I was delighted but still very cautious.

Next time she came home with a big smile on her face, she was feeling very proud and said she come in fourth from last and shaved a minute off her time. I was stunned and so happy, amazing, I saw then that being a parent is a very long slow process before the reward for the effort shows. I had been through this with my other children and there had always been this resistance, but this was the first time the child had taken pride in their results and started to look forward to improving their time. I am so proud of her and of myself for sticking to what was a very hard decision. I like to think today that my persistence was my belief in her ability to triumph in the face of adversity.

Horror on horrors, George on Grey's Anatomy was so horrendously injured falling under a bus that his fellow doctors didn't know it was him. I am still in shock!!!

Missed portrait group and dyslexic memories

2009-07-24T07:48:00.005+12:00

I was so busy on Wednesday night with the grocery shopping , the needs and wants of children and making dinner that I completely forgot about portrait group. And this week has been hell. Back into everything, now I am home from Australia, with a vengeance.

Having decided to apply for the Graduate Diploma of Teaching (Secondary) and start another university paper this semester, a second year Creative writing-Poetry, life has become rather too busy now. And the panic has set in. With so much thinking and writing in so many directions my head has kind of imploded.

I'm trying to concentrate on the abstract in the written communication paper and the creative in the poetry paper, while racing around gathering references, verified copies of exam results 30 years old and update my CV and keep tabs on the children's needs.

Relooking at 30 year old school certificate, sixth form certificate, which were a tortured barely pass, and failed University Entrance exam results, I am remembering the misery, pain and intense hard work to achieve even these (very painful), knowing I was intelligent and yet couldn't do the work, this was the nightmare of my school life. I was the intense disappointment to school teachers who recognised my potential and worked really hard with me to achieve the wanted results but couldn't understand, as I didn't either, why what I was learning didn't stick or translate into high marks. Only after attending Art at Polytech and then working towards a degree, which required comprehensive written expression, did I discover I was dyslexic. (I think this is one of the reasons I want to be a teacher, because I know what it feels like to have a rational process, which teaching can be to a child who works in an extrarational way. Don't you just love the work extrarational. I am finding it says so much to me about the way I think...which is through my senses.)

With this liberating knowledge after doing the art degree, I went on to work with at improving my written skills and found that university level papers were so much easier than school level subjects because of the concentration and depth of working continually on one subject over a long period of time allowed me to do my best, an indepth exploration, and also allowed me the necessary time to work the changeover in my brain from creative to abstract. This requires intense concentration and sometimes hours of effort.

Have I scrambled my own best intentions by doing two papers at once again and therefore doing neither well.....time will tell.

The other struggle I am facing at the moment is the isolation, one of the reasons for doing my teachers training. Home life for me is very lonely, that was what I loved so much about being with Jamara in Australia, I was living in a community again, and I now know I am best among people. I have the best of intentions to do the house cleaning, the garden, the art, the painting, the etc etc, ever after, but there is alot of energy required to do these things, and in my head I am too slow at achieving results, and need and want others imput, and therefore really intensely miss the company of others.

I believe the workplace outside the home has now become the women's community. Sad for children and sad for the nature of women, but it is the reality for the communities I live in now where women work outside the home. And I can rail over it as much as I like and want a community around me but I see babies and young children going to daycare and women going back to work outside the home. I feel I am of the older generation and off a farm where farming women, such as my mother and her friends, were the backbone of the local community, now I see the home is deserted and earning money to survive has become everything. I wonder if this has something to do with the insecurity of raising children at home as women rely on themselves to have a secure income. Just curious.

Anyway back to getting stuff done. Sigh...deadlines looming and study to do.......a CV to update and discussions to be involved in online.

Sorry this is so gloomy....a southerly must be on the horizon again... I read the weather forecast and this deliciously warm wind is about to disappear for a vicious cold snap.... again also the ants have been in for 3 days, not a good sign......but the rhododer

on outside my window is flowering

so I think that means an early spring....one can only hope because it's not even the end of July yet and my firewood is very low. And I can see so much gardening and house painting that needs doing....it puts me off my study and I think I am just wasting my time when I could be in the garden...

.sigh when does one think one is doing REAL work..I mean really!!!!! and I ask myself this all the time.!!!!!!!

So now my theses in Written communication, which I want to do on extrarational thinking...even saying it is exciting and I might do my poetry around the same subject.

Have an excellent day everyone.......

home again, jiggity jog!!

2009-07-12T13:10:00.002+12:00

Here is the portrait done of my youngest daughter while in Australia.

Today is sunday and I am finally recovering from jetlag. Actually I made a conscious choice to recover from jetlag. Sleeping, waking and eating 4 hours later in the day is not going to be that useful next week when the children start school, and I start a second paper this semester. I'm starting a poetry paper. I'm really looking forward to this one because I can play with words and discover the metaphors sliding just out of sight round the edge of my brain. The second assignment of the Written Communication paper was hell. An indepth study of the components of a theses. Groan...and my energy was reflected by a C Grade!

So this morning I went to sleep about 3.45am but set the alarm for 8am, to hours later than the usual waking time, after all it's sunday and I see no point in making it all too hard when outside is dripping with damp misty cold rain. I want to get myself back to functioning for the increased study load. Decided to have two heavy duty cups of coffee in the morning, but then still till not eating until after midday. Come to think of it, I really am enjoying this eating when hungry rather than eating when it's time too, like stepping out of the rut of life and into the natural rhythm of a day to day kind of living.

Taking break in Australia where there is a transient population in a mining town, cemented my understanding of the poverty mentality of the small provincial New Zealand town I live in. The experience of holidaying among people who expect to and work at having an income over $100,000.00 a year sure beats the expectations of a daily living unhappily if resigned to income below $20,000.00 a year. Now I appreciate the secure job teaching as part of an organisation for bread and butter and the art for self expression, rather than being self employed. I have been wanting to sort that one out for ages. So I am taking next year to get my teachers certificate, rather than going the self employed route as a contractor. Mentally stress freedom and saves the accounting nightmare. Also the opportunities will much improve being part of an education network. Sure helps with the sense of belonging too.

getting into the groove of australia

2009-06-22T17:33:00.002+12:00

Today is my birthday and after waking at an indecent hour of the early morning...1.45am and then back to sleep after 3am, I am groggy and rather out of sorts til now, which has been disappointing cos I really want to get into this blog today.

So here goes:

We have kangaroos, small greys I think they are called, outside our tent during the night and today they were back for a wake up call, greeting Jamara first thing this morning, when she got up for work. She called us and she has this texting little 'get up' messages, which delight me. The Roos were waiting and so cute and small and eat carrots out of our hands. My eldest son, Hayden, screamed down the phone at me, a day or so ago, "don't go near the bastards, they kill!" he'd seen a large red one, possibly up to man height, grab a dog, and with it's front legs, squash the dog's head then rip the stomach out, with it's back legs. Nice!! And definitely quite a thing to hear in my ear while patting a cute little roo with my other hand.

Being with Jamara and Jason, my daughter and her partner, out here in the outback of Tom Price, is so lovely, and to be sharing their very tiny, wee space with them, knowing they have been living this way for three years, is an inspiration. And I consider again just how many different ways there are to live one's life and how good it is to take a break from the rut now and again to reassess one's priorities. I think what surprises me most is what I find important or even notice. It's the small everyday ordinary things I enjoy taking notice of the most.

And I am so reminded of living in India, finding myself saying that alot, but I am loving the familiar feeling of dry heat and red soil, yes I did say that, red soil. I love all the wonderful colours, the living outside, but inside too, and surrounded by the birds life. So many birds and their loud noisy calling as a flying flock.

The cultural life is more elusive, as Manjot and I spend most of our day at the Tourist park, on the side of the long term residents who work in the mines and in Tom Price. The other side is for the tourists, who come and go rapidly and mostly unseen. We watch DVD's, feed and watch the birds and Roos, and listen to the wind in the trees, taking regular trips up to the toilet block when not eating. So when we go to town it's exciting and different. Dare I say this, the men are starting to notice me. There is an 80% men to 20% women population in this mining town, and at 54 this is quite a forgotten experience for me.

And thinking about experiences, this is one.

There is a "walk" to the toilet block from the caravan, and so in the morning it is very important to go there first thing after waking up. We all know about the pressure that night brings to the morning bladder, not easy at first when one is used to 5 or 6 bleary barefooted steps down a hall while still very much asleep.

The grass of the Tourist park has the nastiest little 3 ponged stabbers, 3Ds, and they hurt like hell in bare feet. So bleary eyed, frantically grabbing round the floor for the toilet key, it was used during the night and dropped. It's not pretty forgetting the key. Then stumbling out of the tent, avoiding the grass while jamming feet into slip-ons, one makes the dash across the paddock or park, legs clenched at the knees, and in red, baggy nightclothes with no shame what so ever.

I bolt into the toilet block after frantically unlocking the door. Now inside the choice of toilet becomes important. There are six to choose from. That's five more than I really want to think about. Still the choosing is important.

There's the one with the constant puddle in front of the bowl; this is important to note because most women don't like wet feet then wet trousers while seated, so this toilet has the luxury of infrequent use. There's one with a broken door handle, so requires attention for the possibility of a burster; a burster being a woman in an indecent hurry and we all like our privacy on the bog.

Then there the first toilet in the line, which everyone who's in a hurry uses, and which is also the most abused. I didn't know until I stepped into these public toilets just how angry and, dare I say it, pissed off I would get towards my own kind and their use of toilet paper and flushing techniques. There are instructions placed right above the button, in clear large black writing over the hidden cistern. These are: ----Hold down button until flush has finished-----. Now I think this is very self explanatory and obvious. Not long enough pushing of the button and too much evidence of the last attendee. What is it about leaving and not respecting others will be following. I've discovered hate living deep within me for unknown, disrespectful, short pushing fingered women. Nasty. And toilet paper. Why does a six feet wad do a better job than a dinky three hand span folded. Therefore, when I am facing the combination of a short finger push and the six foot wad, when my eyes are barely focused and the pressure is on first thing in the morning, I appreciate my toilet at home. Oh how I appreciate my toilet at home. At home my toilet is just the one, and my kids are well trained. They know the next person to use the loo will be me, and I am the woman who yells when pissed off. And dry feet, the seat down, a significant flush, clean sides, and no paper reminders keep me a happy woman.

This woman also realises she knows a lot about public toilets and that's another story.

In Aussie, Western Australia, in Tom price.

2009-06-18T17:47:00.003+12:00

Here are some pics of the view over the landscape before Perth and between Perth and Paraburdoo. And my two daughters outside our tent and caravan feeding the birds, at the caravan park.

We are here in Australia and in the warmth. My daughter and her partner say "hot, no way it's cold" and just smile to myself and soak up every luxury minute of it. Our beds are delicious and warm and the tent is so comfy. How lucky are we!

Today is our second day and I am just getting over the jetlag. That's waking up to New Zealand time, which is four hours earlier here. Yesterday it was at 2am, this morning 4am, so I think I am moving forward 2 hours a day, so hopefully here tomorrow.

Daughter is too, getting over jetlag that is, but at this time of day, which is 2pm aussie and 6pm NZ she is very tired.

Well as it's rather hard still getting my head around this I will be back tomorrow.

Today we leave for Australia

2009-06-15T07:53:00.003+12:00

Oh my gosh, today is the day we leave for Australia. We fly out at 7.35pm this evening to Auckland. Today has come so fast and I woke up early this morning unable to sleep. I am really nervous and I think my daughter, who we are going to, is too.

I have found myself thinking about other things, like the property change, to have a something else to concentrate on, as being in Australia in the outback of a mining town for 3 weeks, living in a tent with the 11 year old daughter and being in very close quarters with my 26 year old daughter and her partner, who live in a caravan, is frankly very unknown and therefore very scary, terrifying even. But and this is a big but, I know we will be fine.

As mothers and daughters go , we are a real combination of love and fire. How will we fight and when we do, rather than if we do, how will we handle it... we have progressed to saying we are sorry now and acknowledge we were tired, or just out of sorts, or just peeved, take a break and get back to each other when we have calmed down. Plus we are years older and learning that we still actually like each other. I can say thank goodness and wisdom this now happens in our relationship. We both share a passion for creating and are both very artistic, such a wonderful way of building a solid relationship.

So time to stop writing and finish the packing, do the last minute sewing and collecting of all the bits and pieces I use every day knowing they need to come too.

Next time I write it will be in Australia on maybe at the Inn in Auckland tonight or before the overseas flight tomorrow at 6am or maybe not, probably depends on how much I need to talk all this through.

Bon voyage me

looked at the property

2009-06-12T10:53:00.002+12:00

I have just been and looked at the property and I love everything about it. It is in completely original condition, but needs a lot of work to get it into a lovely house again.

So much built in shelving and I love that. Also the rooms are all really good sizes, 2 bedrooms plus a sunporch. The bathroom has a separate shower and a bath and a toilet in it. But not pokey.

The kitchen has a strange layout with the stove sticking out into the room but all the bones are good with old rimu built in cupboards.

But the house smells so damp inside, with the roof, which has tiles, needing repairing and internal walls need work too.

The storage is to die for, so much storage, things like an outside pantry cupboard on the back porch, how neat is that and an old concrete tub with a chippy in the wash house. YUM!

The grounds are very bare but have my much wanted walnut tree at the back and a huge old deciduous tree in the front.

So much to think about, and I will leave it to percolate as it must do and all the best things happen at the right time, when they are ready.

everything at once

2009-06-12T08:07:00.002+12:00

it never rains but hail storms, snows and floods. Sorting out the sim cards on cellphones last night my son who had mixed up my sim card with his, funny how all sim cards look alike until the numbers are read, and then in the untangle and reactivation I discovered all these phone messages on my cellphone I hadn't been getting!!!!!

Anyway the upshot of that was, there was a message from a real estate agent about a property I have always loved and it's in the village where my children go to school, at present they travel from home here to school by bus. The property needs heaps of work but has everything I need professionally, but right now it's the last thing I need to be thinking about, so I will go and have a look at it today with the agent taking a mental picture away to Australia with me and to ponder on while I am there.

Something happening here in my consideration of letting go of spaces and places.

traveling nerves

2009-06-11T08:43:00.004+12:00

I'm now so nervous about this coming trip. Will I remember everything, will I catch all the right planes, will the daughters and I recover from our "intense discussions", will the son be ok taking care of everything while we're away, will I take the right clothes, will I change my spots while away, will I change my life, will I be nice when tired, will I, will I will I, oh my god the list is endless and the time is passing like the jet overhead, rapidly vanishing into the high sky blue.

I know I'm starting to find this real scary cos I'm talking more than usual and listening less than usual. And I know I want to concentrate on what they are saying but find my mouth in overdrive....AAAAHHHHH......

......and daughter who has never travelled much wants to take every bit of her entire wallrobe. Oh my God the nightmare to come as we pack and I say no her conceived essentials. I need to have her understand this is the basic essentials now , it's about the experience and learning to live light as an artform that I want her to learn from this. Oh does my earlier yes when camping and her filling her bag going to come back and bite me on the bum! And in my panic state listening to us both is nothing short of viewing nuclear fusion!

Good news is last night another portrait group. This drawing was different as I was working with dark to light as the model's complexion was dark. This made for interesting contrasts, and tested my viewing of the details. Now the portraits will be in Australia of my family and others who would want them. That will be interesting.

Evening at my local art group and getting ready to go to Austraila

2009-06-10T09:00:00.006+12:00

Last night I was up at Keiranga, a local art group, and was playing around with a few illustrations (thank you Usborne Art ideas), and thinking about how a personal style and technique is developed when working with the tools of our trade. I am always surprised when I put pen to paper to see the style I have developed over years of drawing, which pops out each time like a good fairy on the end of my fingers, showing all I've learnt and effortlessly reproducing the skill. I was watching the movie "Miss Potter" and thinking about her too.

I rather liked the knowledged knowing of this rat with the smirk of nastiness.
This drawing below was inspired by the birds I observed sitting huddled up along the light in the main street of Hastings. It was dusk and they were puffed up and huddled together and these birds reflected the general feeling around the human population they fly above. As I was using colouring pencils for a change I was enjoying the effect of colour mixing. I will experiment some more with this in Australia.

Bloody Hell it's Cold

Not sure about this one, drew it just for the baby of it. Thing is, the head looks rather like an old man. Maybe then the title needs to be Old Grumpy Head on Young Shoulders.

Today is Wednesday and this time next week we will have had our first night in Australia. I am over the nerves now, and thinking about what needs to be done. I have decided I mark time by the jobs as they are done. Once the job is completed the time to leave is closer.

Yesterday I opened the poetry paper, the 200 paper after the Creative writing paper, and took out the first module, Love, with it's readings. I want to write and formulate the beginnings of this work while completely separated from my usual surrounding comfort. To distill out the essentials of my view and feelings of love. I want to see the nakedness of what I feel and find the words that describe this experience of loving in myself. The notion of love as 'loving', and the notion of 'being in love'. To stand outside of myself and look in. To see the inner working of love in this place and out of my place. To know what that place is. This is my personal challenge.

My other personal challenge, in this adventure is, in the knowing I now have of needing the drive for justice to fire the passion to write or create art, to know where this direction comes from; to being all these pieces together in a strong direction of personal authority, self worth and valued contribution. These are my really big questions, as I finally come out of what will be approx an 18 month retreat. Counting this time from March last year to September this year. Hmmm.

In the Written communication paper the next step is a thesis, which I will formulate from my knowledge. What an early opportunity to write about some of my own research and find supporting academic literature. What fun. This will be my next adventure.

my clock is bonging through the night....

2009-06-05T08:38:00.004+12:00

I love my clock. It needs to be fixed but gallantly it bongs on the hour and the half hour and it has stayed on time now for a week without needing to be wound up. The bong is muffled but distinct. Alinement problems. I gave it my best in first aid, but the full medical will need to wait til I am back from Australia.

Wednesday was portrait class again, my what fun, as well as hard work. Same model as last week, amazing how different the rendition of one person can look, when drawn at different times and different moods.

Back to my assignment. It's due today and nearly finished.

I've been doing some interesting reading in Women who Run with Wolves, Chapter 12 Marking Territory: the Boundaries of Rage and Forgiveness and considering my last two years as the climb up the mountain to learn and to temper 'rage'. Thinking the time has come to put the learnt work to practice...this will be interesting. I started this blog on the 20 of March 2008, last year, when I began this climb up my mountain. To look back and see my progress and the soul, and psychic work I have done internally in that time has been a personal revelation.

I now have a sense of personal authority surrounded by a sense of worth, with the knowledge that what I manifest is of value. Quite a sense of growth here and knowing it is time to go back out and put my learning into practice. I am stepping up my study output now with another paper this semester, getting ready for much more work in the summer papers.

it's a bon voyage both to Australia and to my stepping out again, after a year and a half of retreat. The cycle has made the full turn.

studio sign and fairies in my garden

2009-05-29T07:42:00.006+12:00

I whipped up a sign for my new gate to the studio yesterday afternoon. Painting it was so much fun and I remembered why I enjoy painting so much. The distressing aspect is that I forget so easily. This sign has a real whimsical quality, which I really like and, which really speaks to me about the style I enjoy painting in, and the kind of environment I paint in the best, and then I screwed it onto the gate. A declaration of residence, of existing here in this space. And another step towards putting a sign up on my outside gate for the public.

The fairies have come into my studio garden and are living beneath my rose bush. Yesterday a perfect toadstool appeared and the feeling of the garden has changed. There is a quality of slowness, rest, aliveness and magic now, it feels so right and I love it, especially after working really hard to encourage them to come. I am continually amazed at the ingredients required to have fairies. I think it's a kind of energy of feeling and believing, and then knowing and trusting. There a kind of look to the way of the garden elements and how they are arranged and a putting of elements in a way that feels a certain way. A bit like the Feng Shui of it , but Fairy Shui. I will think on this some more.

A bitter frost this morning, but there will be a beautiful fine sunny day. A great compensation.

last night's portrait...

2009-05-28T07:55:00.006+12:00

As usual, last night was Wednesday night. Wednesday is portrait group. Most enjoyable. Our model was a very tall man and with very sculptural features. He also had beautiful teeth, which I did not draw. I was wondering if he is a dentist.

He was a pleasure to draw and I think my shading is improving, it has a more natural look. I want to start using chalk pastels, but I will keep with the 2B pencil until the portraits are looking 3D and the pencil becomes unobvious, which I believe the lobe of the ear and the nose have achieved somewhat. I must say I like the hair and hairline too. Hmmm... lots to ponder in developing my style.

I forgot last week's portrait group completely. My eldest daughter, in Australia, and I were discussing the possibility of youngest daughter and I going over to see her in 3 weeks, for a 3 week visit. This was quite off the bat and now a week later our leaving NZ is completely viable and underway, as our passport applications were sent yesterday.

We will be going right up to Tom Price in Western Australia, a small mining town. And it's warm. NZ has dropped the warm weather like I would drop a thick overcoat in a heatwave. I am thoroughly sick of the cold already and winter hasn't even started yet! Sigh!

Visually, the main attraction for me, besides the sight of my daughter and her partner and their life, is the wild life and the sunrises and sunsets in Western Australia. The wildness of it all and I will be taking copious pics and drawing frantically too, I think.

I am loving the gradual shedding of the autumn overcoat of colour of the deciduous trees, around me. Now the trunks of the trees are blackening and the orange green leaves become even more striking.

digging in my garden

2009-05-22T12:15:00.003+12:00

Today I dig up my kumera crop, after this morning's frost finally killed the last leaves on the plants. And what a surprise. And what a surprise. Those meager little tired plants were hiding copious enormous bulbous root fruit deep under the earth of my square planter box. Some weeks ago, I thought there was nothing happening because I had pulled a few plants up and the stems were thin and empty. Now I have a basket full. Winter veg roasted with meat. Can't wait.

This reminds me of the idea that I put heaps of work into something and on the surface there seems to be no results, there is actually alot going on under the surface. And until I harvest and hunt, looking for the product of my efforts, the results are not obvious.

That was my thought for the day. Oh and decided to go up to Western Australia and visit my eldest daughter in about 20 or so days, for maybe about 3 weeks. ( Am remarkably unphased about this)

Now to get to work and learn about summaries..I know the relevance, just finding the theory hard to absorb.

getting the work done

2009-05-15T08:36:00.005+12:00

Portrait class past Wednesday night. Spent first hour doing the portrait and then second hour teaching another artist how to structure a portrait. Starting to develop a small following of other artists interested in structure. I may have a private client. Will wait and see.

Deadline today on the assignment 2 of written communication, now planning my future study, contemplating 'Love Loss and Looking Around' poetry paper for the second semester. This will develop my adverbal skills and metaphoric imagery, which I know will make me a better writer.

A pair of Tuis flirting and singing to each other in the tree outside my window. As they are native birds and rarely seen this is a thrill. They have a beautiful singing voice and are heard above all the rest of the birds.

meeting my wild woman

2009-05-07T08:48:00.006+12:00

I have been telling my stories, without judgement, labels, justification, diagnosis, interruption or intervention. My stories tell of my journey, as the many faced woman I am, looking for my wild woman. And I have found her. My wild woman lives for the colours I see in my garden, the life I breathe into my stories, the closeness I feel with my friends, the art I create for pleasure and the sounds I make when sharing the telling of my stories to the listener. The listener, who seeing and loving the wild woman within me, loves the life breathed into my stories, loves the shapes and structures that form the plots in my stories, loves the ramble and wanderings that weave the strong threads and untangle the slippery knots in my stories. But most of all the listener loves the courage I have to hunt and journey for the wild woman within me, knowing this is my fundamental right of existence as a woman.

Yesterday I found, in my Preloved Second Hand Book Shop, and read; Estes, C. P (1992). Women Who Run With The Wolves. ISBN 0-345-39681-2

Today I am whole and I am woman.

first frost

2009-05-05T07:51:00.005+12:00

The rich Autumn colours in my garden, the final deeping before they fall.

Our first frost, across the road in the showgrounds.

Brrrr...it's been so cold, both yesterday and today. Yesterday, despite 2 layers of woollies and ugg boots AND a walk with the dog, I was still cold. Not today. I need that hot shower soon and another walk to keep the core temperature up. So much sitting and studying now.

Today some serious artwork I think. I am thinking about the autumn colours which are so intense now. The reds and greens with burgundy are rich and strong and vibant, just has my fingers itching to paint the light these colours create. And I want to do some writing. I will rewrite of the ending of my story, the one that was A/A+ for the Literary Narrative, as I can see how to conclude the story with umph now. Also I want to see how the ending/conclusion turns out. Good fun seeing what appears without me knowing before hand.

I've started thinking about covering all my walls inside my house with the artwork I have been doing over the years, and all the other bits and pieces I have about and enjoy looking at. Kind of like I've been doing the structure of my house, painting the walls and polyed the floors, got the rugs etc and furniture, now time to put on the skin, the covering on the walls. An interesting concept, to see what happens when I do. I think I have a sense that I like a very busy look in my house with lots happening or maybe looking at adventures...very interesting...because I enjoy looking at what others have on their walls. Lots of visual impressions.

listening to the music rather than analysising how it is played

2009-05-01T08:48:00.003+12:00

Listening, feeling the pulse of liquid notes meandering in the red lily ponds of future memories.

The feelings of the experience have become everything, the analysising, the dry intellectual exercise of acquiring knowledge. I have to do an assignment I am finding really hard to do. I will do it. But I am coming to terms with the direction I am wanting to go in now. I did this paper to sort that. What a relief on one hand but a pain on the other. I have discovered very soon into this paper that I don't want to continue in this direction, useful tho it is. The question is what to do ..continue and finish the paper, it is a double semester paper..this is a pride thing; enrol in the creative writing paper coming up in next semester.

Well, something to ponder over, but time to get back to work. Still wanting to paint the autumn leaves which are all around me now....sigh no time....

dreams are great but it's the application which determines the success and where the hard work starts

2009-04-29T09:28:00.003+12:00

I have written my dreams and now I need to apply myself, and do the hard graft that brings the success. I think this also means I need to make the hard decisions that make dreams possible on a daily basis. It's just knowing what these are that grind me!

I had a dream last night that people where invading my fathers house, the family home, which I had come home to live in with my children. They were saying we did not deserve to be wealthy. I then spent a long time explaining that we weren't. "Look at the house and see how much it needs to be painted. See all the paint falling off and the wood rotting underneath. See the huge trees surrounding the house how they haven't been maintained and are supersize. And I am on a benefit to survive with children".

They listened and then asked "What can we do to help?"

"A vegetable garden". I said "I want a vegetable garden to feed my children".

Thinking about this dream I have a sense that the rage is by far the more frightening than the sympathy. And I didn't really want a vegetable garden, I just wanted to give them something to do that was supportive and seen to be having the best interests of my family at heart. And to transform the rage and defect it from me.

The question I ask myself is "What did I really want?" I think I want to be surrounding by supportive influences that support who I am, not what I should be, so that the rage does not seek to destroy me. Then I suppose the next question is "What is the rage?" Well I think that is the age old belief I have that success, breeds contempt, and aggression and attack!. Hmmmm.....Then comes the question, "What is successful about who am I that frightens me, and how does that invite rage?"

Sigh...big questions when I have so much analytical work on rhetorical, summaries and introductions, etc to do for the Written Communication paper.

Time to get into it and put these questions on the back burner. Actually thinking this. I want to do creative writing not analyical writing as the rest of this paper is, but i know the learning is good for me, somewhere. I think I just want to get to the good stuff, move to Wellington because I know there is a Opportunity I want, but how to get to there, and how to produce the writing i need to do to get there. And do I want to live in Wellington??

And I also want to paint Autumn...there is just so much to do and get done!

well rested and ready for the next episode...

2009-04-27T08:10:00.004+12:00

Children back to school this morning and Katherine home from "Paris" last night.

And what a holidays!

Here is the progress on the fence,now covered in netting and the trellis over the gateway with the grapevine. The brick path to the backdoor started. The wood moved. The rose planted by the woodstack wall, to celebrate my A+, and the Olive tree finally out of it's bucket and planted where the grape vine used to be.

These two

weeks have seen me take possession of my life. The neighbour cats have been expelled from my kitchen. Gone are their night prowlings

round my back door, gone are the muddy footprints and fur across my bench, stove surfaces, walls and cupboards, and gone is the eating from our cat's food bowl, which I paid for in high catfood bills each week. I'm sorry Doris Lessing, reading your book On Cats was heart rending, but enough is enough. I want my kitchen, and my life and my choice on how many cats I support, back!

Last night I hunted out a large piece of ply and screwed it firmly over hole in my back door and the broken remains of a cat door; a drafty remainder of cat attacks on my kitchen. No more do I want to be confronted by cat filth every morning, and before my eyes are open enough to commence my morning coffee ritual. This morning my last night's cleaning, in preparation for early breakfast, was still apparent. Shiny, stainless beach and glowing white stove, the yellow top table bare and food still in the cat bowl. What bliss, what control, what a release from rage. So liberating!

I have also decided to cut the black from my wallrobe. For years now the colour in my clothes has been disappearing. Little fits and starts of colour have been high lighted but the over all impression is black on black on black. Not a good look!

So I have started a notebook to do list; I understand the principal now. The daily date isn't as important as the item on the list that needs to be crossed off when done. I have been writing my list in my daily diary, but when I turn the page for the next day, the day before's list, of the not dones, is lost. The wallrobe clean out has gone on the list.

I've waking early in the am, like 1/4 to 4am and loving every minute of it. Thinking over the thoughts that have accumulated and then reading. What a liberation, not more"but I MUST go to sleep, cos I will be tired in the morning". No siree. I'm awake, what fun, a time to think and enjoy a read. Last night before sleeping I'd had my read and was still awake at 1/4 to 2am, "Well," I thought "how about a hot milk honey and nutmeg. Why not!" I thought, "how liberating, and when did I start thinking controlling the impulse to just do, was so important!"

Seems that having my dream visualised and available for direction has liberated me from a sense of waiting. A waiting for the children to grow up and leave home so I can start my life. What is that anyway? Waiting to know what it is that I really should be doing. Waiting to get my life sorted. Waiting to know! Well I know, my life is sorted and the children are here and knowing how to write the endings is what it is all about.

Just goes to show how all those years of work to put in learning to learn to write, and learning how to be at peace with myself, then get an A+ when I put the writing, the proofreading, the stories within me and the peer support altogether, this has liberated my thinking about doing my best. It is all those learning I put together to get to do my best with the acknowledgment and support from those, who have gone before me and are successful, as they share their knowledge and expertise with me, is enabling me to reach my heights too.

How wonderful is that!

yes yes yes writing and me

2009-04-23T14:05:00.002+12:00

Yesterday I received the grades for my first assignment in the Written communications paper from Massey University.

An A/A+ for the Literary Narrative, and 20 marks for the Peer review. I am so delighted, and satisfied with myself, because all those years of working hard to learn, and develop, my writing skills are finally having a visible presence.

The tutor comments were so useful because she shared visually the information of the writing process. Just wonderful. And I got it. Like an epithany.

Let me start at the beginning of this story, well actually I suppose it is the ending. My endings. They are abstract, heavy handed and abrupt! while my stories are concrete, delicious and absorbing, my ending aren't. I couldn't for the life of me work out what I was doing. Then after a research visit with a colleague and a discussion about the deconstruction of "I don't know" and the power structures around this statement. Dazzling stuff! The rhetorical reply being "and what part don't you know?" Go figure. So easy and yet so hard.

Anyway the upshot of that was; the role of support and maintenance of my own personal sense of power and authority, notice the 'author' bit in here. So reading the tutor's comments describing how to construct a concrete ending instead of the abstract ending, gave me a sense of myself in the present as a concrete reality rather than an abstract entity. I will show you some of my story preceding my ending and my ending and her comment...

--------Miss Jenny was our teacher for six weeks, because Mrs Ackus, our usual teacher was in hospital. Our usual teacher towered above me and blocked out the sun with her head of faded red hair, like dead thistles. dead thistles like the ones Dad killed with red herbicide. And her wire-framed glasses were worn down, like her face, and hung on the hook that was her nose. She didn't like me either; I was that outspoken little girl, with bouncy, blonde hair, and sea-blue eyes, and far too much imagination for my own good. [Comment: lovely concrete detail]

Now I am fifty-three, an accomplished artist, and hope to become a writer. Thank you Miss Jenny. You supported my dreams and gave me hope. I will never forget you.---------[Comment: In comparison with the rest of the assignment this is a bit heavy handed and abstract - could you "show" us your art somehow in concrete terms (do you do oilpainting? sculp? Work in ceramics? Are you selling your art successfully, or is it something you do for the pleasure and display in you own home? What sort of writing do you plan on doing?)]

What wonderful questions and questions, I realise, I had been trying to ask myself. Just what sort of writer do I want to be? and yes I prefer to do art for my own pleasure to display in my home, I hate selling it, and have been rather unsuccessful, I think, at trying to do this. Where as writing is reproduced easily, painting is not! This I realise so clearly seeing the work of Monet, having never seen reproduced in an book what his artwork really looks like. And I seem to do the art work as a representation of the personal progression and exploration of my internal life. So it's like losing those visible bits of me. Even relooking at them years later on my home walls, they tell me new stories about the ways I see. I feel like I have been given permission to paint and enjoy my artwork as a personal pleasure, because I have attained a level of writing which will carry me into the outside world. I am making the transition, because I have a dream...

....my dream is to be write well enough and to the level required, to be accepted to attend The International Institute of Modern Letters at Victoria University in Wellington. This is my dream, or is there a place of Postmodern letters?! And I am making the steps in the right direction.

For the first time today I wanted to clean out all my paints and just keep what I need.

I want to paint the autumn trees because it's autumn. In summer it's the sea. Spring it's the trees. And in winter it's the fire. In between are the characters of my stories to illustrate but most of all it is painting and writing and drawing and landscaping and growing plants and supporting others and letting go the guilt of being me!

Now I can rewrite these endings of my stories in concrete details and really enjoy these spring boards into my hopes and dreams.

rain on my roof and the garden earth is sucking hard

2009-04-20T14:41:00.003+12:00

Well, netting on fence, now for the creeper. An ivy is already wandering around. Not sure I want an ivy. Something that flowers and smells wonderful, and always changing colour would be fine. I need the privacy and the wind protection. This room in my garden is evolving into a room.

Now thinking brick path from main entrance is FAR too wide. As it is unfinished, it will be narrowed and lengthened. Rest time from study, study break. A certain withdrawing happens to me during this time, mentally isolating. Plus my friend katherine is lunching in Paris and supping in Britain, so the daily balance of friendly women chatter has temporally gone on hold. I miss her and at the same time don't, well do actually but I can wait. I very good at waiting. I like to think patience is my virtue. So I wait patiently for her return.

So here I am still listening to the rain and looking at the window at the leaves and trees washing clean of the weeks of dust. Nice.

Where is the vibrant core to family and community life? Looking when it's school holidays and home with children

2009-04-18T10:26:00.003+12:00

It's the school holidays and I'm home with an 11 year old and a 16 year old. So wonderful having the time out of routine, but also the no routine creates time that is unstructured. Giving a child the time to find their own structure is interesting and energy draining. I am bored is ok, it's the mental games to get me to give them what they want is the challenge. I am very self reliant, and not used to negoitating with the valleys and mountains my mind enjoys exploring.

I think our society has become so non child friendly now the core of life is work related outside of home life. Home life has become the refuge, the quest for peace and quiet from work and the outside world, rather than a vibrant core of family and community energy.

So I will go outside and put the netting on my fence which is 1.7 metres high and shut out the world a bit more.

deciding to live passionately....does that mean it will be dangerous...I hope so!

2009-04-10T11:48:00.002+12:00

Surprise surprise...yesterday was OK...even....and the paper mosaics went very well. That was a lot of fear invested in doing work for others. Today I feel amazing...like I've really earned the rest and time off, both from study and from the punishment of thinking there is a rocket behind me.

So on this question of living passionately...I am deliciously content in the middle of this luxurious thought. So at home in myself now and brave in face of the other options for living.....no guilt...all gone....it's my life to live and enjoy, quite a turn around in thinking and now the question remains...to live passionately..is there a hint of danger here.....I certainly hope so!

portrait done at this week's group.

2009-04-09T08:46:00.003+12:00

last night I was really tired, and I think this is not my best work.....

nervous today, teaching paper mosaics to young women. I have been doing teaching there for a year now and this is my second year, teaching only twice this term as opposed to every week, I don't really fit in because I have chosen not to do the teacher's training this year, instead pursuing developing in the art, so going to teach, I am changing and becoming more my own person, more confident about who i am and this is also about being very happy to do things my way...this is very tricky when required to conform in a group process to work in a hieracy system of command. i just don't fit in these systems and i don't enjoy working in these environments. I don't see myself working there next term, and instead working on being a produing artist....just rang and organised to have a business woman came and have a chat for the seminars they orgainise for small businesses..yes yes yes..must run teaching at ten!.

finishing the brick pathway to my studio and filling the woodshed

2009-04-07T09:05:00.004+12:00

See that full wood shed....how yummy is that and

notice the empty area of concrete with no wood piled up......

Now the brick pathway to my studio is nearly completed and YAHOO the wood is all in the woodshed, ready for winter.

Went to the capital city Wellington and Sunday and saw an exhibition of Monet's work....I always wondered what the fuss was...well now I know......Unreal, the use of light that he achieved is inspirational...and I didn't get it til I walked around the corner and saw the work from a distance, mind blowing the way he honed the light and depth of the colours....I am inspired and can't wait to get back into my studio...sigh and so far i am so busy with kids, the Written communication paper, and autumn stuff that I just can't get there.....but I will and so looking forward to it.

And I wish my friend Katherine Godspeed on her trip to the other side of the world.....Godspeed Cherie, Godspeed.

portrait group last night

2009-04-02T07:49:00.003+13:00

We drew a new model last night in portrait group, another interesting challenge. I find I am becoming more practiced at achieving a likeness and the personality of the sitter, and I am working hard to achieve this aspect of portraiture.

oops hit a huge downer......

2009-04-01T12:36:00.004+13:00

wow....crashed mentally emotionally and physically today after pulling up the old brick path and laying most of a new brick path to my studio yesterday....now feeling very sorry for myself.....so read a novel in bed til midday and have only gotten up to have a cup of coffee and read my emails...and thought I might write about it here...

I find it interesting that I achieve so much more when someone comes along and says "Wow well done". I say well done to myself, but somehow the effect is just not the same. I kind of feel too exhausted to enjoy the results..today....maybe tommorow...kind of thing....but find myself looking forward in time to what I still need to achieve to get to my goals.

And dam it the weather got really cold yesterday after a such warm autumn so far. The sun disappeared and I got a strong whiff of winter...it wasn't pleasant!!

Now after working so hard outside I come inside and see what I haven't been doing in the way of cleaning and dishes and stuff! That's rather exhausting too! hard to make a nice meal to energise if the dishes are all over the bench and the porrige pot is more than one day old!!

Sigh...it happens.....well with luck the coffee will hit and with a hot shower the warmth will return, here's hoping!

preparing to open as a galley and studio to the public

2009-03-31T08:20:00.006+13:00

I'm working to have my studio open to the public. Behind the scenes doing business cards and making art and getting a sign ready. Also in front of house getting the wood heap in and made new gate and tiding up the access to the studio....notice how the wood heap in just about all into the woodshed.....am I a very happy artist in her shed! Yes Yes Yes.....

Collage of autumn- woodshed-wheelbarrow-woodpile

2009-03-27T07:47:00.004+13:00

Yesterday Mike and I finished building the woodshed. What a beautiful big weather proof woodshed. This is the first real woodshed I have had, and it is modeled on the woodshed of my childhood.

Now I am hovering with excitement.

My eldest sons gave me a wonderful big black wheelbarrow for christmas, it is still shiny new and unused.

And my delicious pile of offcuts, two cords, is dry and waiting. My new woodshed takes 2 cords exactly. And all three are going to have an intimate relationship this weekend. When I am not catering to daughter and her sleepover party.

For the moment I am planning how I am going to stack the wood....just thinking about stack formations is exciting.

This morning, inbetween thinking stacks I am going to complete my literary narrative to the final draft...also exciting stuff...but the outside calls me cos it's autumn and the air is chilled and just the right temperature for wood stacking.

I am strong I can finish the final draft first. Our study group meeting is on tonight so I have a deadline.

making art and working hard at it.

2009-03-26T08:09:00.006+13:00

I found this quote on Oprah's website, when I was thinking about the warmth that is shared between a man and a woman.

Let your warmth shine through.

The heart of sexual energy is making others feel beautiful, wanted, clever, charming, making them see themselves in the warm, pink light of our unembarrassed attention and allowing some of the flattering light to fall on ourselves, our strong points and our frank interest. It isn't the tenacious, almost hostile, approach of the lonely man or woman who is only a step away from turning on us if we disappoint. It isn't breaking up marriages or insulting one's spouse. It is embracing the world and the people in it; it is embracing desire and attraction as sources of pleasure rather than shame, and appreciating what we have to offer as well as what they, the lucky objects of our desire, do.

Experimenting with some landscape ideas.

13/03/09

25/03/09

Here are the two latest portrait drawings, from portrait class using the same model. I am continuing to use pencil and rubber, as I want to improve my ability to observe detail and likeness.

More horse of the year

2009-03-22T16:14:00.006+13:00

Today is the last day of the International Horse of the Year...and I will miss the traffic clog in my street from cars spewing those come to indulge, the rumble of horsefloat trucks a mile long, the strolling of jodphered horsey folk day and night, the high screeched whinning of horses calling to nags across a very wide paddock, the boom boom through my floorboards of distant speaker system, when legs, that cuddled horses all day, have a knees up over at the stadium all night; yes I will miss all this excitement, but I can cope. Why, because the Easter Festival is just around the corner. I can't wait for the checkered bag pipes to be pressed hard to wheeze and suck and groan into a crowd pleasing, earsplitting, screech.

My life is wonderful. I live for this entertainment. The smell and sounds of humanity right on my very doorstep, and I don't have to move a muscle to join in. And my observation of the whole heaving experience, drives me to write and to paint and to pore over the deep meaningful questions of it all.

How lucky am I!

The Horse of the Year show in Hawkes Bay

2009-03-21T10:26:00.003+13:00

This across from my front door, the horse of the year....love the sounds of horse all day and all night, but the horse poo pong is unreal when first opening up the front door in the morning......

Experimenting with sunrises and sunsets and other ideas

2009-03-16T09:23:00.008+13:00

(Sunrise...sunset 1)

(Sunrise...sunset 2)

(Sunrise...sunset 3)

(There's something going on inside my head...)

Sunrise/sunset/sunrise/sunset/ I love that song, can't remember the rest at present, but I was singing it in my head as I painted these new works above. 2 and 3 are 150mm x150mm on ply and will be going onto my Etsy site for sale within the next week.

"Something is going on inside my head" is something I'm thinking about, with working at art and writing in the Written communication paper. The paper has deadlines and I am on a roll with painting and drawing, but in the back of my head is the anxiety of needing to get the written work done on time.

My studio is so delicious to work in and I am having so much fun, but I am really missing the companionship of other artists tho' visibly working around me, I love the times of solitude and inwardness, but it's after creating pieces it's the feedback and the standing back process that become so important as a way of focusing and developing.

Yesterday was wonderful, my son has a lovely woman friend and they came round to gather Youngest daughter and I up for a walk over to the Farmers' market across the road for brunch.....yum yum, chocolate truffles, organic coffee, black pudding, pastries, waffles and Blue vein cheese.....and numerous samples later, we waddled back home and much sated with hearty chatting and much laughter. So energised I spent all afternoon doing the sunrise sunset pieces.

I do so love having the possibility of a new daughter...there is something so warming to a mother with her daughters, and I feel much more united with my son. I also get to see a side and share with her that side of him that is so lovely. aaahhhh...children what a gift....I am so lucky.

Sitting in my secret garden playing with the sun

2009-03-13T16:56:00.002+13:00

Well here is how far I have got....notice the prickly hearts....like roses with hidden thorns, and the sun the sharing of words.....and the butterflies on a string......a little bit of fun!

beginning of new piece of artwork

2009-03-13T14:25:00.003+13:00

This is the beginning of my new piece of artwork...still in the constructing and thinking stages......not really sure how it's going yet or how it is going to end up....comments are most welcome....trying to step back from it and really see it!!!

drawing for practice

2009-03-12T09:06:00.005+13:00

( First portrait drawing I have done in years )

(Practice flower drawings from in my garden, and discovering how many of the flowers I enjoy, have heart shaped petals)

( getting that painting of the courtyard done...and deciding to paint the frontside of my studio yellow too, hmmmm)

I am drawing and taking my drawing skills seriously, this is a whole new way of thinking for me and so much fun.

Last night was my first evening at portrait group. So enjoyable. I was able to sit and draw without a tutor and without feeling like I had to hide what I am capable of, to myself and to others, was a revelation that I have even been thinking that I did. That certainly accounts for the embarrassment I used to feel when drawing in art class. Strange how these discoveries reveal themselves.

And Yahoo... our portrait group is off to Wellington on the 5th of April, for the day, to see the Monet exhibition....how exciting is that!!

I need to get on with my writing too, sigh.... deadlines... but I think the thing is to not stress out all things come to pass.

Planning and laying the foundations for a new piece of artwork

2009-03-10T08:58:00.003+13:00

(Naked Ladies)

(Nasturisms)

(Holly Hocks)

I am reading a fascinating book called 'From first draft to finished novel' by Karen S. Wiesner, and what I am enjoying so much about it is, how The author Karen Wiesner describes, with such clarity, the structure of creativity as a practical process. I really like how I can relate her theories to making artwork, as writing a novel has the same outline as creating art.

She describes stage one as Brainstorming, where she quotes "Terry Brooks Sometimes the magic Works? Where he says that dreaming (a term referring to the back-and-forth process of brainstorming in the mind) opens the door to creativity and allows the imagination to invent something wonderful. It happens when your mind drifts to take you to a place you've never been so you can come back and tell readers about it...." (Wiesner.K.S, 2008)

So now I am brainstorming (1) and researching(2) for my next piece of artwork.

These are the pics I have collected this morning. They are flowers in my garden and will be the basis of the piece.

New work posted on Etsy

2009-03-06T14:48:00.002+13:00

Today I posted onto my Etsy shop my first piece of art work from my new studio What am amazing feeling. From studio into world wide shop. Technology is a wonderful thing.

This piece of work is the beginning of a new series working with strong colours. These colours that talk about hope and equality and possibility and sharing and support. The collage is illustrated and describes fun and play and imagination.

Working in my "shed" alone as an artist I am blind as to how others view my work therefore all your comments are most welcome and appreciated. So feel free to jump to http://vivantestudio.Etsy.com then bounce back here and drop me a line.

Now the next piece is underway and I am looking forward to sharing my process with you.

Love to all in blogland.

an Artist's journey

2009-03-05T08:42:00.005+13:00

My journey back to the forming of art work in my studio. The last time I created artwork, through exploring, was in my studio at EIT, while doing my art degree, which was in 2004. So long ago. And last year I finally was able to built my studio and give myself the space to make a mess, to explore, to leave work in preparation for new work, and to have a space that was separate from the guilt of not doing "stuff" in the house, also a place that said, "I am working, respect this time" for my children.

Don't know what happened below with the linking thing..please ignore, I am an Artist in residence!!!

Notice the virginia creeper climbing up the side of my studio or The Shed,( I have already taken it back out the window) which will cover in future and provide a hiding place for me to disappear into...like the gate into my secret garden.

Here is the insides and all sunny with light and an airy feel to the space.
My work bench under the window. I love looking out under the tree.
Last but most significant, I cut off my plait last night, (see above for new length) and stepped into a new way of being........so much fun!

Love to all.....

working on the shadow and sitting the image to the ground

2009-03-04T12:18:00.005+13:00

Sitting the image..literally......

(...sitting on my magic carpet asking questions...)

today art work...so far

2009-03-04T11:16:00.004+13:00

I am thinking about the background and foreground and creating images in a story, how to create stories......all comments most welcome.....

(sitting asking the questions)

New art work in progress

2009-03-04T09:42:00.003+13:00

Yesterday's work....not to sure where it is going to or what it's going to turn into.....

The beginnings of a new piece of artwork

2009-03-03T10:38:00.002+13:00

Today I am thinking about how I combine all the different aspects of my thinking into a, or my solid direction. The directions which combine and then create visual pictures, the artwork. My writing holds the subject of my enquiry and generates the ideas. Because I am studying Written communication at Massey University at present, my first lesson being Literary Narrative from a personal perspective, namely my experience, I find I have two subjects, which I am considering combining. These subjects are dyslexia and the learning of my husband's language. Both a substantial challenge and filled with much emotion.

And so as I write I will make art.....watch this space.........

Celebration..my Etsy shop is up and Running

2009-02-27T17:29:00.003+13:00

Did I work today, yes sireee..it was so scarey finality getting it together to put my artwork onto Etsy...but surprise surprise..now i feel fantastic and like I deserve a rest, which actually means I can clean house and garden without feeling guilty that I'm not doing any work, or rather not working at making money...how weird is that!!!

Worked from 10.30am-4.30pm and now my bum is so sore from sitting in a hard seat concentrating, and I hadn't even noticed til I finally finished, and stood up and stretched!!

Now I'm really excited about getting into the studio and creating some new work...what will appear I wonder!!!

Love to all in blogland.

Cleaning and tiding,

2009-02-26T08:35:00.004+13:00

I've tidied up my workspace this morning ready to start this writing for the Written Communication paper. Also so I can see what I am up to..or not. I am seeing how much my house needs a good clean...sigh not enjoying seeing this...as usual I talk about this and build up to the doing of!

I'm working away listening to the Wind in the Willows, a talking book...very good fun and I love the language and characterization, just beautiful. So descriptive too, delicious and visual.

I'm thinking about joining the portrait group to socialise and and get in some working drawing.

I ushered at the Century theatre last night and saw The Slumdog Millionaire, fascinating and a real romantic movie, that surprised me. A Western Romantic ending. Won't say too much more if want to see it.

Have an excellent day all.

Creating work and sharing it...

2009-02-25T12:34:00.003+13:00

Creating work and sharing it...The answer came to me as I realised there is someone's writing I so much want to read, because of the way they use words and think about things, and this person doesn't think their writing is worth reading.....therefore doesn't write or show others their work....

AAAAAHHHHH the frustration of that.....now I came to realise I was using the same thought process. And how selfish of me to not share what others enjoy about my talents...Who am I to decide what an audience wants to enjoy...I haven't even given them the opportunity to have a choice....How SELFISH of me!!!!!

This has created an excitement in me to find my audience, to share with them what I love and enjoy and revel in the result...cos I love Calvin and Hobbs, and I know the creator doesn't even know I exist, and yet everyday I wait for Calvin and Hobbs in my daily paper. This is my embracing of humor for the day, that edge that takes me out of myself. And my life is considerably deeper and more interesting because of this opportunity.

Thankyou creator of Calvin and Hobbs, you are my inspiration and affirmation everyday.

Who I am writing or drawing for...my audience is who????

2009-02-24T12:28:00.003+13:00

A question has arisen for me this morning after thinking a about my literary narrative topic.

Who is my audience?

Who I am writing for or to?

Who am I drawing for?

Who am I communicating with?

These questions are a real challenge for me. In thinking about a reader, someone who would enjoy reading what I have written or who I imagine I am writing to, the who of this, I am left considering the lack of my self confidence about who would want to? What have I to offer that is of worth to another? This is rather like scratching at a scab, there is far more under here than I first thought. And would explain rather a lot about my lack of confidence in the work I create.

I am wondering if someone saying " that's great" " I sure love that" etc helps the doubt. I am sure inside of me there needs to be a confidence, about my audience, that carries me in those times of doubt! There will not be someone on tap all the time, to support the process, so what is the connection point to my audience? how do I bridge this gap?.......!!

And then there is the other side of this question...which 'voice' do I use? This voice with the story to tell........Which voice is that? The mother to her child. The teacher to the pupil. The victim to the perpertrator. The artist to the viewer. The writer to the reader. The neighbour to neighbour. Friend to friend. Pupil to teacher. Day to night. Sun to Moon. Road to curb..... etc etc etc...... So many voices.

Starting the Written Communications paper

2009-02-24T08:24:00.004+13:00

Yesterday was the first day of the Communications paper I've started at Massey University. This is an Extramural paper, and my hope is that the structure of written, as an academic formate, will be incredibly useful in the near distant future. But for the moment I am getting into covering all my bases. The art and the study, with the hope also that one will balance the other, or rather the study of the art of writing will lead to the juicy part of the art introspection. The inspiration if you will.

And I note that is already happening for me in the readings. The introduction to wonderful writers with their marvelous ways of seeing the world, further highlight for me and contrast my own thinking.

Now I want to get some order into the small chaos around me visually, the files and work paper, get my art workbook visible and functioning again and the piles off the table. Also the pieces of art work to be done set out in order for doing and the scanning and printing table set up. I am sure it is just a quick tidy.....

(Here are some pics of the disorder before order.)

I really consider the phase" Tidy surface, tidy mind" works wonders for me.

Have an excellent day all.

Catching up with a magnificent sense of achievement.

2009-02-20T08:38:00.004+13:00

I am really getting it together, and I have a sense of achievement and understanding that what I am wanting is to make peace with my dreams. Dreams which lie in the periphery of my vision and hide deep under the responsibilities of parenthood and money.

Yesterday I completed the spreadsheets and today is the travel log book. Doing the business side is giving me a sense of validity as an artist, with a solid foundation with which to reach to the sky. Hey, if I can build a studio by hand and run a family singlehandedly, I can build a business as an artist.

(Past sketches, they seem so sad

to me now)

Reading Kelly Rae's blog this morning. She certainly verbalised and with such eloquence the journey needed when preparing to start creating new work. I was delighted to read her words and reach into my picture with their emotions as I work towards beginning my own new work. This is the next stage of my journey after the business paperwork. I am curious that I have signed up for a Written Communication paper, starting next Monday, as part of the BA I have started on. I am wanting to develop the skill to put my thoughts and ideas down in an academic form. So I'm really looking forward to starting and I will use this paper as the back drop for artistic expression, like the foil to my creativity, to maintain balance.

Today I will be baking a large succulent banana cake shaped like a castle and covered in sugar, for my 3rd son who has just turned 28.

Love to all in blogland

Accounts today.

2009-02-19T07:42:00.004+13:00

This Business of being self employed is such a learning curve. Today the dreaded accounts to be caught up on. I need to fill in the travel log and the spread sheet for the end of the tax year. Certainly proving to me how important it is, to be weekly or daily consistent with accounts. The memory fades and the work load is just too daunting when left for too long.

I am amazed at how much I haven't understood about the business side of an enterprise in the past, and how now I am finally getting it! All seems so simple in hindsight and such a pain with foresight.

Here are some more little pieces of work.

(being friends)

This one has come out longways!!!!!......

Have an excellent day everyone.